WEEK 3: Magic 8 Ball Report

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~I am overly sensitive
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WEEK 3: Magic 8 Ball Report
Week 2 Record (10-2)
Overall Record. (17-7)

Florida (1-1) v New Mexico (0-2)

These clowns just can't catch a break. Their players are good, friendly guys. But, sadly, there are just not enough of them that can provide the output needed to compete. Happily, the chaetomorpha won their game last week. They were so excited. It was great. Even though this week they will crush the clowns. They still plan to have a face painting and fish cracker party after the game.

Our happy little ball says: How nice is that :)

Minnesota (1-1) v England (1-1)

An embarrassing loss last week did not make for a happy poppa on his weekly radio show. He blames it on sleep but really needs a hug(enter Justin). The dragons are undefeated and have had the luxury of playing two teams who's point totals were some of the lowest in the league. But he ain't frownin'. He uh happy dragon. Frolicking in the Autumn mist in a land called Honalee. However, poppa knows he can't let this dragon go undefeated in this chapter without a fight(which we don't condone). But in the end, he will saddle, mount, break and tame this dragon before he gets out of control.

8 ball lovingly says: who needs his belly scratched, good boy

St. Louis (2-0) v Wyoming (2-0)

At the time of this article the Duffers had won their game by 1.02 points, so we go with that. These two undefeated head into week 3, each vying for a perfect record in Chapter 2 before heading to out of chapter games. The Duffers, in our opinion, have outplayed their potential in the last 2 weeks. But, that's how you win titles in FF. The Headhunters have not been special but have done just enough to get wins. Neither team have great matchups on offense and once again, the RWT believe the D will be the key here. An afternoon of watching Caddyshack together, instead of the game, and the Duffers feel a little poke.........

8 ball cringes: Will you please....suck out the poison for me

Sanibel (0-2) v Atlanta (0-2)

Obviously not the start that either of these teams envisioned for their inagural season at RW. One of these teams will be 3 games back in their chapter by Tuesday morning. The Gadabouts, are lacking......in everything...on offense, while their D is the only thing keeping them alive. The Africans, have just missed in the first 2 weeks. They have the firepower but haven't had the right match-up, until now. The poor relocated Gadabouts, will go on feeling left out and the Africans will console them with a good beating this weekend. As Ian massages out the pain......

The 8 ball directs: A little to the left

Las Vegas (0-2) v Utah (0-2)

There is always something to feel good about, no? I mean if you look at this match-up, both of these guys will have a good week. Spazz has put up plenty of points so far. Enough to sit atop the power rankings in DD, winless. The Degenerates have not suprised themselves. Vegas knew he would struggle this year. The happiness comes when the Spazz finally get their first win(no matter how low they score), and the Degenerates don't get their hopes up by winning a game. It will be like they are laying in a bed of roses together. Bliss.

8 ball rolls over and: NEIGHH

Colorado (2-0) v Omega City (2-0)

So, the polar opposite of the two winless teams facing each other is this. The twin towers in Chapter 3. The legends barely scraping out a win against a hapless Vegas squad. And, the Eagles making it look easy against a gamer in Utah. The legends are ever confident, making it a jolly good time reading his books errr....posts. However, he must put that confidence aside this week, and realize that his dropoff in production is a sign of things to come. Take a deep breath and close them sleepy little eyes cause the sandman from Colorado is going to sing you to sleep......

8 ball sings softly: lullaby and goodnight la la la la la la la

Philly (2-0) v Singapore (1-1)

Have you ever been beaten by a dollop? A smidgen? A squirt? A dash? A tidbit? Sure you have. This ain't one of those times. The Slings have matchups up and down their roster that scream, "oh shit"!!! We here at RWT, don't feel bad for teams very often, but in this flowery edition we feel like crying for the Slings. And you should too. If you see him this week, pat him on his bottom and tell him, just cause you lose doesn't make you a loser. Winning isn't everything.

8 ball rebuts: the hell it isn't

Minnesota (1-1) v Norfolk (0-2)

The Bombers are struggling. They are just not putting up the point totals required to win consistently in RW. I was surprised when looking at their lineup though. It don't suck now, really. It's pretty good. I thought this to be an easy pick, but now I'm a bit vexed. I feel like the destroyers have been outdoing themselves. And, the Bombers are underperforming. In the end, though in a very close game, the Destroyers will plant a third straight loss on the Bombers and bury them in a huge hole.

8 ball offers: what size casket can I get for ya

Chicago (0-2) v Hamilton (2-0)

Not the kind of start CCS envisioned in RW when he swarmed his way into the league at the last second. It's bad and dont look good this week. The Cats, however, have no worries. Their offense is playable but this defense is lights out. The Cats and Headhunters obviously had the same vision to build a stellar defense as the cornerstone of the team(no wonder those two guys get along so well). And, then let the offense pick up the scraps. This idea has led the Cats to 2 high output weeks and he isn't about to stop in week 3. CCS is just another in a long line of teams to fall 3 games back in their chapter after 3 games played and looking forward to drinking from the pee pee bowl.

8 ball askes: Would you like that super sized?

Adelaide (1-1) v Decatur (1-1)

If The Empire hadn't met the big Cat in week 1 they would easily be 2-0. They sit atop the power rankings in TT. The Demons got a early Christmas present and drew CCS in week one and got their lone win(that everyone else in this chapter will also get). This one looks pretty darn close this week. I couldn't find anything that really stood out other than the QB's that the Empire is playing. That combined with the fact that the Demons are playing Shonn Greene(barf), make me lean towards the Empire in this one. Too bad we can't play 2 kickers.

8 ball reveals: Drop Shonn Greene for Olindo Mare

Carolina (1-1) v Jersey (1-1)

This one is easy. As of 11 am EST on Thursday the Werewolves had not submitted a lineup. Worked last week. Jersey wins.

8 ball pleads: help us out here man

San Fransisco (1-1) v San Diego (1-1)

This chapter is knotted up. The only chapter where all 4 teams sport the same record. This weekend it's the battle for California. North vs South. Both these guys got their first win last week. San Fran smoked the legionnaires, who thought they were invincible after week one. While the killers eeked one out on the Werewolves. In this one there are too many PPR points to be had for San Fran. The Killers make this one look more like they did in week 1.

8 Ball laughs: just stay home

Love conquers all.

Roster Wars Times Senior Janitor

Mani Chitsbig

WEEK 3: MONSTER MATCHUP

Well 2 weeks in, and your resident doctor is 1-1 in his weekly matchups. At the moment, that matches up with 10 of you, in addition to 7 undefeated and 7 winless squads. We shall see if any of that changes come Thursday. But as of now, there are 2 week 3 matchups between undefeated opponents. One matchup includes the victor of last week's (correctly predicted mind you) Monster Matchup. So in an attempt not to give him as big a head as his opponent, this week's Monster Matchup will focus on the undefeated divisional matchup between the St. Louis Duffers and the Wyoming Headhunters. Although in retrospect, I guess the Headhunters wouldn't mind 2 big heads in his conference… But I digress.

This showdown consists of 2 differently designed squads. The Duffers are sending out 2 quarterbacks, 3 running backs, 4 wide receivers, and a single tight end and kicker on offense. The Headhunters are employing a 2 quarterback formation, with 3 running backs, 2 wide receivers, 3 tight ends and a kicker. On defense, the Duffers are loading up their secondary, with a single defensive tackle, defensive end, and cornerback, while sending out 4 linebackers and 4 safeties. The Headhunters are using a much different strategy, backing up his belief that the battles are won in the trenches. They are using a formation of a single defensive tackle, cornerback, and safety, with 3 defensive ends and 5 linebackers.

Each team has a strong quarterback, along with a questionable number 2. However, the comparisons really end there. The Headhunters' RB trio of Adrian Peterson, Darren McFadden, and Marshawn Lynch has been incredibly fortunate for their team. A few weeks ago many would have predicted that none of the 3 would be starting at this point in the season. However, Peterson proved that there are superheroes, and Lynch has been blessed with a lengthy legal process. The jury is still out on whether McFadden will be playing this week, as he still has to get out of bed each day, which gives him a 47% chance of his knee exploding. Regardless, these 3 should easily be able to cover the Duffers' trio of Benson, Reggie Bush, and Pierre Thomas. However, The Duffers should compensate with a stronger receiving group. Andre and Stevie Johnson, in addition to Bowe and the Steve Smith that has a resume longer than 1 line, should be able to easily outproduce the Headhunters' duo of Demaryius Thomas and Malcolm Floyd. However, the Headhunters will once again counter with a trio of tight ends against the Duffers' lone representative, although in my increasingly convincing medical opinion none of these tight ends will be the difference maker in this matchup. All things considered, the offenses have the potential to put up very similar numbers.

The defenses should end up being the deciding factor this week. Both have strong linebacker groups. The Duffers were led in week 2 by Clay Matthews' 3.5 sack performance against the Bears. The rest of his linebackers have averaged just under 20 points a game. However, the Headhunters have the edge at Linebacker, with an impressive group (trust me- I'm a doctor). The Duffers group of safeties should combine for a good 60 points, but the Headhunters should be able to counter that with their trio of pass-rushing defensive ends.

After many varieties of alternative (and often self-prescribed) medications, I took a long nap. When I woke up, the winner of this week's Monster Matchup had come to me. The Duffers should put up another solid showing this week, which they are showing is just par for their course, but it will not be enough to take down the Headhunters. They will maintain their place among the Roster Wars undefeated. And just let me know if you're ever interested in reattaching some of those heads you're collecting. I charge the best prices around.

Until next time, and good luck to everyone not playing the Pigskins this week!

Week 2: Titillating Tuesday Takeaway

Titillating Tuesday Takeaway
By: Ima H. Omer

Another week has come and gone!!!! As we learned last week, scores are not official until Thursday, but we will try to help you stay abreast of the situation. We here feel that any game within 15 points, is “to close to call” until Elias releases final stats on Thursday. We will give our opinion and hopefully, not look like a boob.

Dastardly Dozen

Chaetomorpha – 365.42 @ Eternals – 223.45
Scary thing is, I can now SPELL Chaetomorpha without looking. To the game. For the Eternals, not a single player has topped the 20 point mark. This went a long way to their demise. Dracula had left Ogletree on the bench last week and should have this one too, as he came back to earth. Clownfish had 6 TBB’s score a total of 118.82 pts. While impressive, this reporter thinks this is more of a fluke than the rule. Chaetomorpha have shown us the way to kill Eternals……feed them Sushi.

Dragons – 346.18 @ Mad Clowns – 241.52
Dragons have come out breathing fire. The Mad Clowns are in the burn unit. Led by RG3 and Amendola on offense and very good numbers on defense, the Dragons burned their way through the Clowns. The Joker managed to leave some very solid defensive stats on his bench. In the end, it really wouldn’t have mattered that much. The Clowns will need to learn how to juggle their lineup better to break this losing streak.

Headhunters – 335.98 @ Gadabouts – 264.06
The Headhunters have stuck another skull on their spears. Putting together one of the best defensive scores of the week, they overcame poor performances from Peyton and DMC. These could have been critical, except OC Ron Burgandy just has not gotten the news yet. CJ0K just cannot score him points. Add in Williams and Titus Young, you get a whopping, wait for it, 9.40 pts. No way Ron can scoop anyone at this rate. Tom Landry just keeps continuing his winning ways.

Africans – 340.92 @ Duffers – 331.94
This is one of the games that falls into the “to close to call” category. Had OC Jim Harbaugh decided not to go with Jay Cutler and used Sanchez instead, this game would not be nearly as close. Add in the 1.40 Fitz performance and this game comes down to Elias. Payne Stewart is hoping to get a birdie on Thursday to pull this one out. He was helped the most by Matthews, Bush and Bowe. Had Andre Johnson managed to chip in, this would have been a great foursome. For now, we wait and see.

Spazz – 350.00 @ Screaming Eagles – 388.04
Spazz are on the ground twitching after last night’s game. While Spiller and Nicks led the offense, Blackmon and Rodgers appeared to be on medication, scoring a total of 1.22 points. For the Screaming Eagles, solid Monday Night plays from McGahee and White have soared them to the win and the largest point total for the week. The Ultimate Warrior is still looking for loopholes to get the Eagles off the endangered list.

Legends – 317.78 @, Degenerates – 291.42
Magneto rolled out the highest defensive effort so far this week. His LB’s gave a polarizing performance of 121.00 points. For this week, he has overcome the Hernandez injury. Can he do it moving on? Note should be made, the Legends had the next to lowest winning score. On the other side, Primetimes defense scored the least total defensive points of the week. Maybe he needs to spend more time in the tape room and less in a Fairy costume.

Terrible Twelve

Slings – 288.86 @ Destroyers – 359.78
Just like their name, the Destroyers did just that. Destroyed the Slings. Randy Marsh couldn’t get the Sherriff to find his own players. The 21.04 pt. total from Manning/Bradshaw/Charles/Jackson spelled doom. Destroyers had 4 IDP players that outscored this group single handedly. Emperor Palpatine brought a Death Star to the game w/Spiller and Sproles. Add in the second best defense, you get Storm Troopers.

Bombers – 302.10 @ Pigskins – 316.68
Game is close. Thursday is coming. Stanislaw is hoping for some decaying Uranium to blow up his stats. Although, had Einstein nuked Jay Cutler they would be in much better shape. Oxy-moron, Cutler/Einstein in same sentence. For the Pigskins, Joe Gibbs rolled out RG3 and AJ Green to lead the offense, with a lot of help from the D. London Fletcher showed he still has it with a 23.00 pt. output. We feel Dave will regret the Cutler move and will fall to the Piggieskins.

Steel Cats – 323.44 @ Demons – 313.68
Another close game. Again, the heavily dogged Demons are trying to pull one out of the ashes. The Steel Cats had nice numbers from Eli and the entire defense, while Ozzy, on the Demons side, had big fat 0’s from Avril and Nick Perry. In the end, we feel Puss N’ Boots will perform an Exorcism.

Empire – 366.82 @ Crime Syndicate – 284.24
These aren’t your Daddy’s legends here. Leonidas rebounded from last week with a defense of the Pass. Get it? After Thursday, he stands a chance of the top defensive score. Chicago was arrested by another down performance by his starters. Even with 100% efficiency, Capone would only have shot out a 309.60 score. No where good enough. He brought guns to a sword fight and lost.

Legionnaires – 260.92 @ Golddiggers – 348.34
Obviously, the Legionnaires were still drunk from their victory last week. Going from the high score, to the 2nd lowest score, they were massacred. Good thing Napoleon is not on staff, this would have been a Waterloo. We could add right here, that Hamish Campbell really needs to know who his players really are, but that would almost be cruel. The Golddiggers pumped out the second highest offensive total for the week. Led by 26+ scores from Foster/McGahee/Harvin/Davis, Genghis Kahn took the field of battle. When last seen, owner Justin Pullis was pounding swords into plowshares.

Killers – 314.24 @ Werewolves – 301.62
Close enough to be interesting. Jack Sparrow saved Nicks from the gangplank, now we need to see if it was enough. Maybe the Werewolves aren’t who Dennis Green thought they were. For DC Buddy Ryan, only 2 players topped 20 points. Had he been able to add a little more, outcome may have been different. Had Eva been able to pull this off, could have taken a much needed when in the 6th Chapter. No one may notice though, she is just too damn hot!!!!! We feel Killers hold on.

That’s it from here.

Come back next week for the worst, and the breast, in Roster Wars!!!!!!

Week 1: The 2-Minute Drill

Welcome to the 2-Minute Drill. I am Mike Diggs and in this weekly spot, I will highlight what to watch in the upcoming Monday Night games. No need to beat around the bush… Let’s get into this juicy stuff!

New Mexico Mad Clowns 232.20 (+2) vs Minnesota Eternals 293.16 (+ 1)
The Mad Clowns tried to hang with the Eternals, but Andy just had too many stars show up and perform. The Clown do still have Torrey Smith and Jameel McClain waiting to play, but Andy’s 60.96pt lead is more than safe. He’s not going to even need Haloti Ngata in his lineup. Eternals will be 1-0; Mad Clowns will start the 2012 season, 0-1.

England Dragons 231.16 (+3) vs Florida Chaetomorpha 237.08 (+2)
The Dragons clawed and scratched all day to keep this thing close and they did just that. They gave themselves a shot on Monday night. Ronnie Brown, Donald Butler, and Bernard Pollard may not strike fear into their opponents, but they should have just enough to bait the Chaetomorpha and catch them napping. I don’t expect Stylianos to just roll over by any means, but Andy Dalton and Geno Atkins are not going to cover Jon’s trio, even with a six point cushion. Dragons 1-0, Chaetomorpha drops to 0-1.

Sanibel Gadabouts 255.94 (+3) vs St. Louis Duffers 297.88 (+1)
If I were a betting man, I’d bet that Frankie thinks he has this one on cruise control. A modest 41.94pt lead along with one of the best fantasy corners in the league, Lardarius Webb, waiting in the wings. However… The Gadabouts do have some horses about to step out of the stable. Philip Rivers, Ray Lewis, and Rolando McClain are a formidable trio and are quite capable of shrinking that lead and stealing the victory. With that being said, ain’t gonna happen. Duffers complete the job and jump to 1-0, while the Gadabouts sit at 0-1, thinking about what could have been.

Wyoming Headhunters 283.24 (+4) vs Atlanta Africans 294.00 (+2)
Two high powered defensive teams put on one hell of a show on Sunday. Now, all eyes turn to the Monday night games to see the epic finale. The Headhunters will trot Darren McFadden, Malcom Floyd, Antonio Gates, and Richard Seymour out to go head to head with the Africans’ Ray Rice and Matt Shaughnessy and their 10.76pt lead. This one will all depend on which McFadden shows up. If’s the true Run-D-Mc shows up, there will be fireworks in this one. I think Gates and DMC will do enough to tilt this one in their favor. Headhunters 1-0, Africans fall to 0-1.

Colorado Screaming Eagles 273.04 (+2) vs Las Vegas Degenerates 242.24 (+2)
This ballgame was over before it began. The two minute drill came and went and LVD is simply outgunned and outclassed. The Eagles still wait on the performances by A.J Green and Domata Peko, but honestly, it doesn’t matter. The Degenerates need historic numbers out of Eddie Royal and Ed Reed… Not going to happen. Eagles 1-0, LVD 0-1.

Utah Spazz 328.58 (+1) vs Omega City Legends 329.78 (+2)
What an explosion this game turned out to be. Both teams shows up ready to play this week and neither were disappointed. The Spazz had killer numbers up and down his lineup and now his fate rests in the hands of Eric Weddle. The Legends hope to hang on to their slim lead with the help of Darrius Heyward-Bey and Tyvon Branch. Now, normally I would say that putting your fate in the hands of two Oakland Raiders would be foolish, but something tells me DHB will do just enough to secure this victory for Omega City. In a wild one, Legends pull it out to go to 1-0, while the Spazz drop a heartbreaker and fall to 0-1.

Philadelphia Pigskins 316.70 (+2) vs Minnesota Destroyers 282.48 (+2)
The Pigskins put up one of the most consistent showings of the week and had contributions from offense and defense to pretty much handle the Destroyers. And with one of the best fantasy kickers waiting in the wings as well as one of the more electric wide outs… The Pigskins will sit back and enjoy watching Seabass and A.J. Green finish the destruction of the Destroyers. Pigskins 1-0, Destroyers 0-1.

Norfolk Bombers 242.84 (+1) vs Singapore Slings 239.92 (+2)
Neither team was able to jump out to any substantial lead in this one on Sunday, nor will this change on Monday night. The Bombers will send Domata Peko into battle against Shaughnessy and Tyvon Branch. While the Bombers do sport a slight lead, there is no way Peko does enough to outscore two defensive players. The Slings come from behind and drop a bomb on Norfolk. Slings 1-0, Bombers 0-1.

Decatur Demons 243.66 (+4) vs Chicago Crime Syndicate 224.68 (+3)
The Demons and Crime Syndicate both have high hopes going into Monday night. Bob has some of his cornerstones to bring to battle during this 2-minute drill. Andy Dalton, Jermaine Gresham, Jameel McClain, and Reggie Nelson can easily combine for 55-60 points. Combine that with their 19-point lead and you’re talking about Jason needing almost 80 points from the trio of Flacco, Meachem, and Torrey Smith. Now, if Flacco can find Torrey a couple times in the endzone, the CCS definitely has a shot. However, we may be asking too much. Demons 1-0, and CCS falls to 0-1.

Hamilton Steel Cats 329.70 (+3) vs Adelaide Empire 285.96 (+2)
Todd put together one hell of a squad and isn’t done quite yet. He still has the law-firm Green Ellis, Ray Rice, and Anquan Boldin waiting to go. Couple those three with a 43-point lead and this one could end up being a blow out. The Empire just doesn’t have the horses to hang with the Steel Cats in this one. DHB and Ray Lewis won’t even keep this game close. Cats 1-0, and the Empire 0-1.

San Francisco Golddiggers 232.42 (+2) vs Carolina Werewolves 237.44 (+3)
This one was fun to watch all Sunday. It went back and forth and it’s definitely shaping up to do the same thing on Monday night. The Golddiggers have big, bad, Antonio Gates and Donald Butler primed for tonight. And that is where this game gets interesting. The Werewolves have Rivers, Tommy Kelly, and Eric Weddle. The Diggers need a game out of Gates, but only problem with that is Rivers will be the one throwing to him. That reason is why Carolina will pick up the W and go to 1-0, dropping the Golddiggers to 0-1.

Jersey Legionnaires 335.14 (+3) vs San Diego Killers 234.46 (+2)
Justin and his Legionnaires were on a mission from God; to completely destroy the Killers, and send a message to the rest of the league. That is exactly what they did. The Jersey Boys haven’t even used McFadden, Ngata, and Cary Williams yet and they’re up by over a hundred! The Killers just had no answer, and we definitely won’t get one from Carson or McClain. Legionnaires and impressive 1-0, Killers 0-1.

That’s what to look forward to on Monday Night. This has been the 2-Minute Drill! Check ya next week, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!

Article by:  Mike Diggs (AKA Rob/Las Vegas Degenerates)