Week 1: Titillating Tuesday Take

First things first, I’m up here, quit staring at my chest.

The first week is over!!! How did YOU do? Let’s take a few minutes and look back at some of the “How the Hell’s”, the “Why’s”, the “Studs”, the “If I only would have’s” and, of course, the “WTF’s”

Dastardly Dozen

Eternals – 323.16, Mad Clowns – 248.20
This contest was never in doubt. Starting with The Clowns not fielding an entire lineup, till the end of Monday Night Football. To the Eternals it goes, in no small part to the contributions from a surprising 28.82 pts from Randall Cobb. Head Coach Count Dracula stated in his news conference, “Coulrophobia has never been an issue for our team” On the other side, Head Coach the Joker, said he wished there had been more day games. He also stated “This was embarrassing; there will be a conversation with Mean Joe about our lineup duties.” Even the 22 pts that were left on the bench with Brandon Mebane would have made no difference.

Dragons – 278.26, Chaetomorpha – 263.22
Close all the way. The favored Seaweed had their hands full and it all came down to Monday night. Donald Butler put up 21 pts and Wesley Woodyard posted 31.00 pts in the Dragon victory. For the Chaetomorpha, starting DWilly, as all pundits were saying he should, turned him to a loss. Turned out Coach Clownfish left just a few too many bench pts. 8 players on the bench outscored their starting counterparts. OC Richard the Lionheart stated after the game “Seaweed with Ranch, goes down fine” Coach Clownfish didn’t say much, just, “Blurp. We do believe he loves his new aquarium though.”

Gadabouts – 312.88, Duffers – 318.24
First, WTH is a Gadabout? With that, Phillip Rivers just couldn’t quite pull it out in the last game of the week. This score could have been much worse, as the Duffers left a lot of points on the bench. Coach Andy Dufresne stated, “We didn’t kill them, either” For the Duffers, Coach Payne Stewart was quoted “It was a chip shot away from a loss, great game guys”

Headhunters – 345.94, Africans – 338.20
Close game all the way. All owner Ian Finnemore could do was watch helplessly as Malcolm Floyd, Antonio Gates and DMC combined for 51.70 pts to seal the victory for the Headhunters. For the Africans, Solid numbers from Ray Rice and Stephen Nicholas kept them in it. In the end, the 8.70 output from Jamaal Charles was just a little low to win this game. DC Tony Dungy stated “We just didn’t bring our A game.” Coach Tom Landry was overheard saying “Didn’t just shrink one head”

Screaming Eagles - 316.04, Degenerates – 271.96
The Screaming Eagles dominated this matchup from the get go, on both sides of the ball. His studs played like it. Graham, Gronk and JJ Watt all put up nice numbers. For the Degenerates, Tracy Porter and his 52.30 pts at least made it respectable. It appears the issue for The Degenerates was, Coach Jerry Jones couldn’t see the plays being called due to dirty glasses. OC John Elway stated after the game, “Jerry Jones and Degenerates, what else would you expect?”

Spazz – 342.58, Legends – 340.78
Another game that came down to the wire. Back and forth we went. While The Legends were favored, there was just no quit in the Spazz. An overall impressive display by the defense, pushed The Spazz to the win. For The Legends, a valiant effort that just fell short. Starting Jennings over BJGE proved to be a large factor in this loss. Coach Alfred Pennyworth stated, “We played like Robin, good but not good enough”. Owner James Brimacombe was quoted after the game “Vince? Vince is a Legend, in his own mind.”

Terrible Twelve

Pigskins – 336.80, Destroyers – 320.48
Close game that came down to the Offenses. In the end, AJ Green and Sebastian Janikowski spelled doom for the Destroyers. The Destroyers made a late push with Geno Atkins, but leaving Stephen Hill on the bench in favor of Greg Little sealed their fate. Coach Joe Gibbs, coming out of retirement, said, “It’s just like a NASCAR race, flat out at the end.” There are rumors from the Destroyers camp, that Dr. Sheldon Cooper has been approached about taking over play calling for Loki. This will be something we keep tabs on.

Bombers – 254.84, Slings – 263.42
Favored early in the week, The Bombers fell way short of expectations. Starting Hankerson and DWilly for a combined 1.40 pts blew away their chances. For The Slings, ADP’s return was the catalyst they needed. Sneaking a victory, Coach Hunter S Thompson was quoted, “Better than a stomping by The Hell’s Angels.” Albert Einstein, at his press conference, stated, “Next time, we bring Little Boy.”

Demons – 283.30, Crime Syndicate – 259.04
Heavily favored, Chicago just couldn’t pull this one out. Posting one of the lower overall Defensive totals arrested their chances. On the other side, The Demons defense, much maligned in the offseason, posted the 5th best score and propelled them to the win. Chicago coach, Al Capone, was not immediately available for comment, as he was taking a “little ride” with his tax attorney. At the Demons press conference, DC Ozzy Osbourne appeared ecstatic. No one was sure though, as we could not understand a word he said. Also, it was noted that Demons owner Bob Ralston, left his box, after the first Flacco/Smith play from scrimmage last night, to change his shorts.

Steel Cats – 388.10, Empire – 326.26
This game was not even that close. The Kitties defense put up huge numbers, combined with Rice and Boldins large performances to litter the field with The Empire. Left 291.78 points on their bench. Although this was only the 3rd highest total, it cost them the victory. Ray Lewis was stellar in the losing proposition. Head Coach Augustus was heard mumbling “Freakin’ Cats” after the game. For the Steel Cats, Puss n’ Boots could only purr.

Golddiggers – 263.72, Werewolves – 279.38
For the Golddiggers, 0.00 points from Jared Allen and Bruce Irvin did not help in this loss. On Carolina’s side, even missing a lineup move didn’t deter them in the push to victory. Coach Eva Mendes spoke at the press conference, but all the reporters could do was drool, not take notes. For San Fran, Coach Bill Walsh mentioned in his post game interview “We just didn’t load enough silver bullets. Bringing more Coors the next time we meet.”

Legionnaires – 409.94, Killers – 263.04
For Jersey, the top scorer in RW this week (which we will never hear the end of), they only left 2 players on the bench that scored more than the 22 starters. This was an impressive feat. The Killers had poor performances on both sides of the ball. Only 1 player, Brian Cushing, topped the 20 point mark. While they did leave a bunch of points on the bench, I still think it would not have mattered. Coach Dennis Green, again, stated “The Legionnaires are who we thought they were!” Just what the hell does that mean????? On Jerseys side, Coach William Wallace lifted his kilt a few times, scaring off reporters. Jersey owner, Justin Pullis, will more than likely be very hard to live with this week. He has secured bragging rights after the inaugural RW week 1.

That’s it from here.

Come back next week for the worst, and the breast, in Roster Wars!!!!!!

Article by: Ima H. Omer (AKA Decatur Demons/Bob)

Week 1: The 2-Minute Drill

Welcome to the 2-Minute Drill. I am Mike Diggs and in this weekly spot, I will highlight what to watch in the upcoming Monday Night games. No need to beat around the bush… Let’s get into this juicy stuff!

New Mexico Mad Clowns 232.20 (+2) vs Minnesota Eternals 293.16 (+ 1)
The Mad Clowns tried to hang with the Eternals, but Andy just had too many stars show up and perform. The Clown do still have Torrey Smith and Jameel McClain waiting to play, but Andy’s 60.96pt lead is more than safe. He’s not going to even need Haloti Ngata in his lineup. Eternals will be 1-0; Mad Clowns will start the 2012 season, 0-1.

England Dragons 231.16 (+3) vs Florida Chaetomorpha 237.08 (+2)
The Dragons clawed and scratched all day to keep this thing close and they did just that. They gave themselves a shot on Monday night. Ronnie Brown, Donald Butler, and Bernard Pollard may not strike fear into their opponents, but they should have just enough to bait the Chaetomorpha and catch them napping. I don’t expect Stylianos to just roll over by any means, but Andy Dalton and Geno Atkins are not going to cover Jon’s trio, even with a six point cushion. Dragons 1-0, Chaetomorpha drops to 0-1.

Sanibel Gadabouts 255.94 (+3) vs St. Louis Duffers 297.88 (+1)
If I were a betting man, I’d bet that Frankie thinks he has this one on cruise control. A modest 41.94pt lead along with one of the best fantasy corners in the league, Lardarius Webb, waiting in the wings. However… The Gadabouts do have some horses about to step out of the stable. Philip Rivers, Ray Lewis, and Rolando McClain are a formidable trio and are quite capable of shrinking that lead and stealing the victory. With that being said, ain’t gonna happen. Duffers complete the job and jump to 1-0, while the Gadabouts sit at 0-1, thinking about what could have been.

Wyoming Headhunters 283.24 (+4) vs Atlanta Africans 294.00 (+2)
Two high powered defensive teams put on one hell of a show on Sunday. Now, all eyes turn to the Monday night games to see the epic finale. The Headhunters will trot Darren McFadden, Malcom Floyd, Antonio Gates, and Richard Seymour out to go head to head with the Africans’ Ray Rice and Matt Shaughnessy and their 10.76pt lead. This one will all depend on which McFadden shows up. If’s the true Run-D-Mc shows up, there will be fireworks in this one. I think Gates and DMC will do enough to tilt this one in their favor. Headhunters 1-0, Africans fall to 0-1.

Colorado Screaming Eagles 273.04 (+2) vs Las Vegas Degenerates 242.24 (+2)
This ballgame was over before it began. The two minute drill came and went and LVD is simply outgunned and outclassed. The Eagles still wait on the performances by A.J Green and Domata Peko, but honestly, it doesn’t matter. The Degenerates need historic numbers out of Eddie Royal and Ed Reed… Not going to happen. Eagles 1-0, LVD 0-1.

Utah Spazz 328.58 (+1) vs Omega City Legends 329.78 (+2)
What an explosion this game turned out to be. Both teams shows up ready to play this week and neither were disappointed. The Spazz had killer numbers up and down his lineup and now his fate rests in the hands of Eric Weddle. The Legends hope to hang on to their slim lead with the help of Darrius Heyward-Bey and Tyvon Branch. Now, normally I would say that putting your fate in the hands of two Oakland Raiders would be foolish, but something tells me DHB will do just enough to secure this victory for Omega City. In a wild one, Legends pull it out to go to 1-0, while the Spazz drop a heartbreaker and fall to 0-1.

Philadelphia Pigskins 316.70 (+2) vs Minnesota Destroyers 282.48 (+2)
The Pigskins put up one of the most consistent showings of the week and had contributions from offense and defense to pretty much handle the Destroyers. And with one of the best fantasy kickers waiting in the wings as well as one of the more electric wide outs… The Pigskins will sit back and enjoy watching Seabass and A.J. Green finish the destruction of the Destroyers. Pigskins 1-0, Destroyers 0-1.

Norfolk Bombers 242.84 (+1) vs Singapore Slings 239.92 (+2)
Neither team was able to jump out to any substantial lead in this one on Sunday, nor will this change on Monday night. The Bombers will send Domata Peko into battle against Shaughnessy and Tyvon Branch. While the Bombers do sport a slight lead, there is no way Peko does enough to outscore two defensive players. The Slings come from behind and drop a bomb on Norfolk. Slings 1-0, Bombers 0-1.

Decatur Demons 243.66 (+4) vs Chicago Crime Syndicate 224.68 (+3)
The Demons and Crime Syndicate both have high hopes going into Monday night. Bob has some of his cornerstones to bring to battle during this 2-minute drill. Andy Dalton, Jermaine Gresham, Jameel McClain, and Reggie Nelson can easily combine for 55-60 points. Combine that with their 19-point lead and you’re talking about Jason needing almost 80 points from the trio of Flacco, Meachem, and Torrey Smith. Now, if Flacco can find Torrey a couple times in the endzone, the CCS definitely has a shot. However, we may be asking too much. Demons 1-0, and CCS falls to 0-1.

Hamilton Steel Cats 329.70 (+3) vs Adelaide Empire 285.96 (+2)
Todd put together one hell of a squad and isn’t done quite yet. He still has the law-firm Green Ellis, Ray Rice, and Anquan Boldin waiting to go. Couple those three with a 43-point lead and this one could end up being a blow out. The Empire just doesn’t have the horses to hang with the Steel Cats in this one. DHB and Ray Lewis won’t even keep this game close. Cats 1-0, and the Empire 0-1.

San Francisco Golddiggers 232.42 (+2) vs Carolina Werewolves 237.44 (+3)
This one was fun to watch all Sunday. It went back and forth and it’s definitely shaping up to do the same thing on Monday night. The Golddiggers have big, bad, Antonio Gates and Donald Butler primed for tonight. And that is where this game gets interesting. The Werewolves have Rivers, Tommy Kelly, and Eric Weddle. The Diggers need a game out of Gates, but only problem with that is Rivers will be the one throwing to him. That reason is why Carolina will pick up the W and go to 1-0, dropping the Golddiggers to 0-1.

Jersey Legionnaires 335.14 (+3) vs San Diego Killers 234.46 (+2)
Justin and his Legionnaires were on a mission from God; to completely destroy the Killers, and send a message to the rest of the league. That is exactly what they did. The Jersey Boys haven’t even used McFadden, Ngata, and Cary Williams yet and they’re up by over a hundred! The Killers just had no answer, and we definitely won’t get one from Carson or McClain. Legionnaires and impressive 1-0, Killers 0-1.

That’s what to look forward to on Monday Night. This has been the 2-Minute Drill! Check ya next week, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!

Article by:  Mike Diggs (AKA Rob/Las Vegas Degenerates)

Week 1: The Dragons Gambling Den

Welcome to The Dragons Gambling Den, my weekly look at how I can make enough money to cover next year’s Roster Wars entry fee without relying on Ryan Mathews wine glass ankles not shattering…

I’ll be suggesting some bets each week, explaining my thinking behind the selections, posting the results from previous weeks (and no doubt crying about last minute touchdowns bringing down bets) and showing running totals as we go.

Please feel free to post comments or ask questions if anything is unclear. I’m always happy to look at other bets or ideas if there is something any of you would like to see.

A couple of things to get out of the way first. I am in England – I’m sure most of you have got that already – and we use different betting terms here. I will explain the bets this week as I’m pretty sure you call them something different. I’m not talking down to any experienced punters out there, just trying to put things in terms that everyone understands. I also have to use the handicap lines that the UK bookies offer so there may be a point or so difference in some places.

Odds are listed as fractions such as 2/1. The number before the / is what you win, the number after the / is what you bet. So, if your $10 bet at 2/1 wins, you get $2 for each $1 you bet. Your bet returns $30 which is $20 winnings and your $10 stake back.

That’s got all of the blurb out of the way. Let’s gamble.

Week 1

Week 1 is pretty horrible for betting. We only have last year and some mostly meaningless pre-season games to go on. As perfectly highlighted in the Cowboys shock season opening win at the Giants, week 1 is pretty hard to predict.

I’ll split the bets into 3 sections initially but this may grow to 4 or 5 sections in future weeks. I am looking to stake around $20 total per week though this will alter depending on confidence and possibly desperation. And yes, I am actually putting real money on these picks…

Bet 1 – The Banker Treble
A treble is simply selecting teams in 3 different games and all 3 teams must win their game for the bet to come in. The individual odds are generally pretty horrible but lumping 3 in together should hopefully get us a decent return.

Eagles @ Browns – taking the Eagles at odds of 1/5
The Eagles scare me a little. They were heavily touted last year and started terribly. They had their reasons though and a trip to Cleveland is the perfect opportunity for them to start on the right foot. Weedon will be under serious pressure from the Eagles D and I can’t see the Browns scoring enough to keep up.

Rams @ Lions – taking the Rams at 1/4
Detroit have a fantastic offense. They don’t need a great defence against St. Louis. Sam Bradford was shocking last season and whilst he will improve with Amendola back, it won’t be enough to compete here. Easy win for Stafford and Co.

Falcons @ Chiefs – taking the Falcons at 4/6
Again, banking on the better offense doing the business. Ryan / White / Jones / Gonzo / Turner look good enough to me here. The Chiefs looked awful in pre-season and Bowe’s holdout won’t have helped anything. That they have one of the best RB combo’s in the league is a danger but I see the Falcons being too strong.

So Eagles, Lions and Falcons all have to win. The suggested bet is $10 returning $25 if it hits.

Bet 2 – The Handicap Double or Treble
A double is exactly the same format as a treble except with 2 selections rather than 3. There will sometimes be 2 selections and sometimes 3 in this section.

Bookies set a handicap line – the amount of points they expect the better team to win by – and the bet is to finish on the right side of that line. I’ll break that down a little more.

Example: The Rams (+9) @ Lions (-9) handicap is in brackets. The Lions effectively start the game with a theoretical 9 point defecit, shown by the -9. To beat the handicap, they have to win the game by more than 9 points. If they lose the game or win it by less than 9 points, the Rams win on the handicap. Make sense?

Week 1 is usually very difficult to hit handicaps so I’ll be going with a double this week.

Seahawks (-1) @ Cardinals (+1) – taking the Seahawks at 8/11
I’m going to concentrate on the tight games that just don’t look right to me. The Cardinals are at home, have one of the best WR’s in the game in Fitz and have a decent running game. All positives. But they don’t have a quarterback. BIG negative. The Seahawks looked good in pre-season and have rightly given their rookie QB the helm. They have plenty of offensive weapons but I’d be much happier with this selection if Beast Mode plays.

Bills (+2.5) @ Jets (-2.5) – taking the Bills at Evens
The Jets suck. They deserve to lose. Every week. I hated the Jets last year and they then signed Tebow… The Bills were hot in the first half of last season their slump was blamed in part on Fitzpatrick's rib injury. They also lost Fred Jackson, a fantastic runner. The Bills get a 2.5 point start here and I think that’s value.

The Seahawks to win by 2 points or more and the Bills to do better than losing by 3 points. The suggested bet is $6 which pays $20.73 if both results go our way.

Bet 3 – Stabs In The Dark
Fun bets really. There are up to about 40 available betting markets on NFL games. You can bet on pretty much anything from the first scoring play to whether a cheerleader’s breast falls out in the halftime show. Well, perhaps not the last one. This section is for punts – long shot selections that may only hit once or twice a season but will pay handsomely if they do.

$1 on each of the following:

Eagles @ Browns – first touchdown scorer – Brent Celek @ 14/1 - $1 returns $15
As the bet suggests, this pays out on the first player to score a TD i the game. There’s a high percentage chance it will be an Eagle. McCoy is too short at 9/2 so I’m banking on Vick finding his favourite late season target. 14/1 is a good bet.

Bills @ Jets – first touchdown scorer – Tim Tebow @ 14/1 - $1 returns $15
No-one wants this to happen but there are rumours he’s getting goal-line work. A nice cash return will make me feel better as I watch the smug bastard’s face fill the screen whilst the commentators take turns to fawn over him. Sigh.

Seahawks @ Cardinals – first touchdown scorer – Seahawks D/ST @ 16/1 - $1 returns $17
John Skelton’s first throw intercepted and returned for a TD. And possibly his second too but we don’t get extra for that.

Chargers @ Raiders – double result – Draw / Raiders @ 14/1 - $1 returns $15
Double result is betting on the result of the game at half time and then full time. I see this as a tight game so I’m hoping they are level at half time, with the Raiders squeaking out a win late on.

Total stake this week is $20. Fingers crossed for a positive start.

Johnny English out.