IntroductionThe great thing about week one,
nobody sucks. Right? (a shake of the ball) Wrong! Roster Wars is, well,
different. Unique. Special? Some of the GM's are certainly special. There is a
lot at stake in the "League of Leagues". At the end there will be Banners of
Glory, and shame. Through the middle, trading, injuries and turmoil. But, alas,
we are at the beginning. Every team being equal, Yes? Hardly. Let me splain.
Follow me as I read my magic 8 ball...........
Chapter 1
Eternals (0-0) vs Clowns (0-0)
"WHAT WE'VE
GOT HERE IS A FAILURE TO".......
......draft good teams.
Fortunately, for these two GM's, they are both in the same boat. Which, as crazy
as it may sound, makes this matchup tough to pick. The Godfather, admittedly,
was flustered in his draft but is confident that in a few years everything will
turn out in his favor. On offense, he rolls out Forte and Antonio Brown with
decent matchups for the week. But, what else. His QB's aren't lighting anything
up. What he rolls with as his other Rb's and WR's are nothing much to write
about and Finley gets the Niners. Yikes!! where are the points? The Grandfather,
on the other hand, has a great matchup for Stafford, but after that the rest of
his offensive starters have formidable defenses to face and are suspect to boot
anyway(James Jones, Robinson, Blount, and Donald Brown)?? Where are the points?
OH wait, 11 more guys get to take the field in this league(as many of you failed
to plan for). The Clowns are rolling out 2 great DE's, 2 Great LB's and some
DB's with nice high powered down field offenses to tackle. And to make it hard
again, the Eternals are doing the same. To me the edge in D goes to the Clowns,
and the Edge in O goes to the Eternals. A turn of the ball tells
me.
Eternals squeak out a win, possibly their only one.
Dragons (0-0)
vs Seaweed (0-0)
Good cop bad cop
Yes this
is the monster matchup for the week, but it's my magic ball that tell the true
story. Some idiot told the GM of Chaetomorpha that his team was the worst in the
league. Genius. Chaeto, then proceeds to obliterate his team and make it, for
lack of a better word, good. The QB's in this matchup leave a lot to be desired,
but, after that we have quite a battle brewing. The RB's aren't the bigger names
but will do their jobs. The WR battle looked awesome at first but, after more
review, the Chaetos started to stand out. Then as I started reading the D,
thinking the Dragons would start to pull away, Cheetos' blew me away. This team
don't suck. In fact, they look, dare I say, title worthy. Ever see how quickly
algae grows in a pond? Ever see the blob after it consumes something? I caress
the number on it's back and turn.....
The Dragons get slayed week one by
some Weird form of water grass.
Chapter 2
Gadabouts (0-0) vs. Duffers (0-0)
Somethin's
a missin'
This one is easy for me. This is a two QB league.
And, even though the Duffers have Brees, they can't make up those points at
another position. The only place the Duffers win is in the WR core. They are a
force there. However, after that, they get outdone at every position but
DB(matters little). This one won't even be funny as the Gadabouts smoke a
Duffer......the magic ball adds.........
By a country mile.
Headhunters
(0-0) vs. Africans (0-0)
Preseason
Darling
The highly touted and caressed Africans come into week
one shining their coat of arms like they just won the war without a shot fired.
Garnering several leaguemates' vote for the best team, they had a lot to be
proud of. Or did they? The QB battle in this contest can be summed up by
matchups. The Africans have the better of it. The tables turn a bit, however,
when we evaluate
RB's. The Headhunters studs face the Cards, Jags and
Chargers and should balance the scales here. The Headhunters WRs are, left
wanting, while one of the Africans' boys get those beautiful Jags. The scales
tip a little to the southern hemisphere again. Then, the tsunami hits from the
earthquake thousands of miles away, that is the Headhunters D. Eight of his 11
starters have the potential to make this a blowout. In fact, IT WILL BE. A
pinkie tap on old número ocho lights up the sky like a
spotlight........
HEADHUNTERS BY 50
Chapter
3
Screaming Eagles (0-0) vs. Degenerates
(0-0)
Empty Coffers
The Eagles are
daunting. The Degenerates, are just that, degenerates. The Degenerates blew
their cash early on studs and spent pennies on degenerates after vacationing for
a week and a half while the rest of the league finished the auction. The insane
part is, his Degenerates aren't that bad.
Ok, maybe they are. But, at
first glance, you would think Eagles win going away. Swallow this. Eli and
Rogers play Dallas and the 49ers respectively. The Eagles' Denver starters, play
the Steelers. When you throw in the Bills and Ravens against Greene and Green,
and note that his LBers are in the infirmary, the Eagles don't look so scary.
Meanwhile, the Degenerates' main offensive starters play teams like the Titans,
Redskins, Dolphins and Rams. And, we all know the Degenerates are stacked on
offense. WHAT you talkin about Willis? That's right, one of the best teams, on
paper, could be the victim of................ bad matchups. They all favor
Vegas.
So, will these odds allow me to pick the Degenerates over the
Eagles......Not a chance. The Eagles "D" is the key and they still have the TE
duo of the decade. The Eagles are just too strong. A toss of the 8 ball shows
us......
Eagles make it look harder than it should be against the
Degenerates, but flutter into week 2, undefeated.
Spazz (0-0)
vs Legends (0-0)
The case of the broken
spleen
AHHHHH OHHHHH UGHHHHH.......That's the reaction I have
when I look at what the Spazz GM has done to his team from conception to now.
Like a big lineman blowing up a mans spleen, Spazz imploded his team. The polar
opposite of Cheato is Spazz. The good thing for this team is that they play the
Legends. Scratch that, it's bad, real bad. The only place Spazz has a chance is
at QB. The Legends have fools gold there and will struggle to keep up. That is
where his fall ends. The Legends RB's WR's TE's and D will make this one of the
biggest blowouts of week 1. The Spazz are playing for a smidgen of credibility
this year, but won't find it here.........A gentle rub the magic ball
states
this is going to need stitches.......Ouch Spazz
Chapter
4
Pigskins (0-0) vs Destroyers
(0-0)
Kickers and injuns
The problem with
Redskins fans is, they love their team. To a fault. RG the third will not bring
you Luck. This is a tough contest between these two. Both teams have studs at RB
and WR sprinkled in with maybe's. RB leans to the Destroyers. WR leans back to
the Pigskins and the TE's both have big potential. The defense sways a little to
the Pigskins, while the QB game goes to the Destroyers. This game is so even I
had to do something that I may never have to do again. I had to go into overtime
on this one. I had to put this pick on the one guy that everyone forgets. The
one guy on a team that everything hinges on him. The one guy who can be a hero
or zero in a split second. The kicker....yup.....wide right baby. And is there
any better 150 year old kicker in the game than Janikowski..?.... A shake of the
ball reveals
Destroyers by a missed field goal.
Bombers (0-0)
vs Slings (0-0)
Shakey shake shake
You see.
This is what you get when a conference plays nice and everyone keeps the bids in
check and no one spends more than $70 on a player and nobody trades anything but
a dollar here or there. You get equality. The 8 ball pyramid got cocked sideways
on this one. Every time I shook my ball, I got a pointed end of the pyramid
staring me in the face.Then the genius in me(you know, the one that knows Vince
sucks)realized the damn arrow was pointing at me. This one is mine. So, i
flipped a coin, over and over heads tails heads tails. Then drew straws out of a
package. Damn things are all the same length. So, I did what any good prediction
analyst would do. Enie meanie miney mo.............and you are not it(Slings)
you dirty dish rag you(Bombers)....
Slings win by a rhyme
Chapter
5
Demons (0-0) vs Criminals (0-0)
RIP
Michael
We, as a family, lost one of our founding members. Not
to death, or prison, but to something that was more important than Roster Wars.
My 8 ball tells me that is........BULLSHIT and not possible. I digress. In comes
the replacement at the last second, full of fight and life. Ready to kick the
crap out of Vince at a moments notice(till the damn cop shows up). again, i
digress. Bottom line is, he did well. DrAfting a good, solid team, that will
have the demons begging for mercy. Every piece of this pie goes to the criminal
mind as his strengths at every position overwhelm the demons. My ball comes out
of it's (I ain't touching this one) state and informs me....
Demons
Suck
Cats (0-0) vs
Empire (0-0)
Here kitty kitty kitty....BANG.....BANG
BANG
You ever just want to lure one in with that sweet, sweet
voice and then.........@&$:;?!!! Awe yeah, peace. The Empire and the Cats
look good. These offenses should scratch and claw at each other all day Sunday.
The Cats with those field generals and the Empire with those receivers. Mmm,
juicy. Hooooooe doggies. We play defense here too. Who knew Cats are smart
critters after all(and cuddlesome). The Cats D are here to prove a point and it
will be at the Empires expense. A shake of the 8 pulls back the curtain and
reveals that.......
The Cat has the gun.......BANG.....BANG BANG
Chapter
6
Diggers (0-0) vs Werewolves
(0-0)
Silence
This is tough for me. These
two GM's are not the most vocal in our club. It makes it tough for me, and my
ball, to see into their innards. But, I trudge on and, although boring as it may
be, call it as I see it. The Werewolves, if I recall, talked a pretty big game
on being a good auction drafter. Well, what the hell happened? Their team is not
bad but they hold no candle to the diggers in this contest. And, if they don't
make some moves, they won't ever see a full moon in this league. My magic ball
says.........
Go ahead piss him off...Diggers by a nugget
Legionnaires
(0-0) vs Killers(0-0)
One step forward Two steps back
When the Killers were done with their draft I thought they sucked.
Then they started trading. All the sudden they started to look worse, then
better, then worse. I get sick to my stomach with their roller coaster ride.
Same with the Legionnares. Find a dollar, buy a dollar, trade a dollar. DIZZY, I
am(had to get Yoda in the mix). Now we are at week 1 and where are you? ?*&#
I don't know. What I do know is these teams have the identical line up after all
that POO. Good QB paired with POO. Great RB paired with POO. A couple of good
WR's paired with a couple of....POO. Ok when you scroll through the D's, Good
and POO. Fortunately, in this matchup the Legionnaires found more gold coins in
the defense than did the Killers. When I break this matchup down to the last
dollar I find that the Legionnaires, with all their talk, about nothing usually
can GM a good team. And, the Killers? They aren't killing
anyone.............this week. My 8 ball is getting heavy and foggy...It needs
new batteries, and I'm rubbing it raw on one side. The last thing that came up
on the pyramid when I caressed it one last time was................
GET
THE F*&$ OFF ME!!!!!
Putting her down till next
week....
Roster Wars Times Junior Fantasy Writer
Vin
Cizenas
Article by:
Vin Cizenas (AKA Lance (AKA Wyoming Headhunters))
J/K should have all the big moves. No obvious swings of power to
date but Chapter 4 seems pretty complacent given their performance 
