Week 1: Magic 8 Ball Report

IntroductionThe great thing about week one, nobody sucks. Right? (a shake of the ball) Wrong! Roster Wars is, well, different. Unique. Special? Some of the GM's are certainly special. There is a lot at stake in the "League of Leagues". At the end there will be Banners of Glory, and shame. Through the middle, trading, injuries and turmoil. But, alas, we are at the beginning. Every team being equal, Yes? Hardly. Let me splain. Follow me as I read my magic 8 ball...........

Chapter 1

Eternals (0-0) vs Clowns (0-0)

"WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE IS A FAILURE TO".......

......draft good teams. Fortunately, for these two GM's, they are both in the same boat. Which, as crazy as it may sound, makes this matchup tough to pick. The Godfather, admittedly, was flustered in his draft but is confident that in a few years everything will turn out in his favor. On offense, he rolls out Forte and Antonio Brown with decent matchups for the week. But, what else. His QB's aren't lighting anything up. What he rolls with as his other Rb's and WR's are nothing much to write about and Finley gets the Niners. Yikes!! where are the points? The Grandfather, on the other hand, has a great matchup for Stafford, but after that the rest of his offensive starters have formidable defenses to face and are suspect to boot anyway(James Jones, Robinson, Blount, and Donald Brown)?? Where are the points? OH wait, 11 more guys get to take the field in this league(as many of you failed to plan for). The Clowns are rolling out 2 great DE's, 2 Great LB's and some DB's with nice high powered down field offenses to tackle. And to make it hard again, the Eternals are doing the same. To me the edge in D goes to the Clowns, and the Edge in O goes to the Eternals. A turn of the ball tells me.

Eternals squeak out a win, possibly their only one.

Dragons (0-0) vs Seaweed (0-0)

Good cop bad cop

Yes this is the monster matchup for the week, but it's my magic ball that tell the true story. Some idiot told the GM of Chaetomorpha that his team was the worst in the league. Genius. Chaeto, then proceeds to obliterate his team and make it, for lack of a better word, good. The QB's in this matchup leave a lot to be desired, but, after that we have quite a battle brewing. The RB's aren't the bigger names but will do their jobs. The WR battle looked awesome at first but, after more review, the Chaetos started to stand out. Then as I started reading the D, thinking the Dragons would start to pull away, Cheetos' blew me away. This team don't suck. In fact, they look, dare I say, title worthy. Ever see how quickly algae grows in a pond? Ever see the blob after it consumes something? I caress the number on it's back and turn.....

The Dragons get slayed week one by some Weird form of water grass.

Chapter 2

Gadabouts (0-0) vs. Duffers (0-0)

Somethin's a missin'

This one is easy for me. This is a two QB league. And, even though the Duffers have Brees, they can't make up those points at another position. The only place the Duffers win is in the WR core. They are a force there. However, after that, they get outdone at every position but DB(matters little). This one won't even be funny as the Gadabouts smoke a Duffer......the magic ball adds.........

By a country mile.

Headhunters (0-0) vs. Africans (0-0)

Preseason Darling

The highly touted and caressed Africans come into week one shining their coat of arms like they just won the war without a shot fired. Garnering several leaguemates' vote for the best team, they had a lot to be proud of. Or did they? The QB battle in this contest can be summed up by matchups. The Africans have the better of it. The tables turn a bit, however, when we evaluate
RB's. The Headhunters studs face the Cards, Jags and Chargers and should balance the scales here. The Headhunters WRs are, left wanting, while one of the Africans' boys get those beautiful Jags. The scales tip a little to the southern hemisphere again. Then, the tsunami hits from the earthquake thousands of miles away, that is the Headhunters D. Eight of his 11 starters have the potential to make this a blowout. In fact, IT WILL BE. A pinkie tap on old número ocho lights up the sky like a spotlight........

HEADHUNTERS BY 50

Chapter 3

Screaming Eagles (0-0) vs. Degenerates (0-0)

Empty Coffers

The Eagles are daunting. The Degenerates, are just that, degenerates. The Degenerates blew their cash early on studs and spent pennies on degenerates after vacationing for a week and a half while the rest of the league finished the auction. The insane part is, his Degenerates aren't that bad.

Ok, maybe they are. But, at first glance, you would think Eagles win going away. Swallow this. Eli and Rogers play Dallas and the 49ers respectively. The Eagles' Denver starters, play the Steelers. When you throw in the Bills and Ravens against Greene and Green, and note that his LBers are in the infirmary, the Eagles don't look so scary. Meanwhile, the Degenerates' main offensive starters play teams like the Titans, Redskins, Dolphins and Rams. And, we all know the Degenerates are stacked on offense. WHAT you talkin about Willis? That's right, one of the best teams, on paper, could be the victim of................ bad matchups. They all favor Vegas.

So, will these odds allow me to pick the Degenerates over the Eagles......Not a chance. The Eagles "D" is the key and they still have the TE duo of the decade. The Eagles are just too strong. A toss of the 8 ball shows us......

Eagles make it look harder than it should be against the Degenerates, but flutter into week 2, undefeated.

Spazz (0-0) vs Legends (0-0)

The case of the broken spleen

AHHHHH OHHHHH UGHHHHH.......That's the reaction I have when I look at what the Spazz GM has done to his team from conception to now. Like a big lineman blowing up a mans spleen, Spazz imploded his team. The polar opposite of Cheato is Spazz. The good thing for this team is that they play the Legends. Scratch that, it's bad, real bad. The only place Spazz has a chance is at QB. The Legends have fools gold there and will struggle to keep up. That is where his fall ends. The Legends RB's WR's TE's and D will make this one of the biggest blowouts of week 1. The Spazz are playing for a smidgen of credibility this year, but won't find it here.........A gentle rub the magic ball states

this is going to need stitches.......Ouch Spazz

Chapter 4

Pigskins (0-0) vs Destroyers (0-0)

Kickers and injuns

The problem with Redskins fans is, they love their team. To a fault. RG the third will not bring you Luck. This is a tough contest between these two. Both teams have studs at RB and WR sprinkled in with maybe's. RB leans to the Destroyers. WR leans back to the Pigskins and the TE's both have big potential. The defense sways a little to the Pigskins, while the QB game goes to the Destroyers. This game is so even I had to do something that I may never have to do again. I had to go into overtime on this one. I had to put this pick on the one guy that everyone forgets. The one guy on a team that everything hinges on him. The one guy who can be a hero or zero in a split second. The kicker....yup.....wide right baby. And is there any better 150 year old kicker in the game than Janikowski..?.... A shake of the ball reveals

Destroyers by a missed field goal.

Bombers (0-0) vs Slings (0-0)

Shakey shake shake

You see. This is what you get when a conference plays nice and everyone keeps the bids in check and no one spends more than $70 on a player and nobody trades anything but a dollar here or there. You get equality. The 8 ball pyramid got cocked sideways on this one. Every time I shook my ball, I got a pointed end of the pyramid staring me in the face.Then the genius in me(you know, the one that knows Vince sucks)realized the damn arrow was pointing at me. This one is mine. So, i flipped a coin, over and over heads tails heads tails. Then drew straws out of a package. Damn things are all the same length. So, I did what any good prediction analyst would do. Enie meanie miney mo.............and you are not it(Slings) you dirty dish rag you(Bombers)....

Slings win by a rhyme

Chapter 5

Demons (0-0) vs Criminals (0-0)

RIP Michael

We, as a family, lost one of our founding members. Not to death, or prison, but to something that was more important than Roster Wars. My 8 ball tells me that is........BULLSHIT and not possible. I digress. In comes the replacement at the last second, full of fight and life. Ready to kick the crap out of Vince at a moments notice(till the damn cop shows up). again, i digress. Bottom line is, he did well. DrAfting a good, solid team, that will have the demons begging for mercy. Every piece of this pie goes to the criminal mind as his strengths at every position overwhelm the demons. My ball comes out of it's (I ain't touching this one) state and informs me....

Demons Suck

Cats (0-0) vs Empire (0-0)

Here kitty kitty kitty....BANG.....BANG BANG

You ever just want to lure one in with that sweet, sweet voice and then.........@&$:;?!!! Awe yeah, peace. The Empire and the Cats look good. These offenses should scratch and claw at each other all day Sunday. The Cats with those field generals and the Empire with those receivers. Mmm, juicy. Hooooooe doggies. We play defense here too. Who knew Cats are smart critters after all(and cuddlesome). The Cats D are here to prove a point and it will be at the Empires expense. A shake of the 8 pulls back the curtain and reveals that.......

The Cat has the gun.......BANG.....BANG BANG

Chapter 6

Diggers (0-0) vs Werewolves (0-0)

Silence

This is tough for me. These two GM's are not the most vocal in our club. It makes it tough for me, and my ball, to see into their innards. But, I trudge on and, although boring as it may be, call it as I see it. The Werewolves, if I recall, talked a pretty big game on being a good auction drafter. Well, what the hell happened? Their team is not bad but they hold no candle to the diggers in this contest. And, if they don't make some moves, they won't ever see a full moon in this league. My magic ball says.........

Go ahead piss him off...Diggers by a nugget

Legionnaires (0-0) vs Killers(0-0)

One step forward Two steps back

When the Killers were done with their draft I thought they sucked. Then they started trading. All the sudden they started to look worse, then better, then worse. I get sick to my stomach with their roller coaster ride. Same with the Legionnares. Find a dollar, buy a dollar, trade a dollar. DIZZY, I am(had to get Yoda in the mix). Now we are at week 1 and where are you? ?*&# I don't know. What I do know is these teams have the identical line up after all that POO. Good QB paired with POO. Great RB paired with POO. A couple of good WR's paired with a couple of....POO. Ok when you scroll through the D's, Good and POO. Fortunately, in this matchup the Legionnaires found more gold coins in the defense than did the Killers. When I break this matchup down to the last dollar I find that the Legionnaires, with all their talk, about nothing usually can GM a good team. And, the Killers? They aren't killing anyone.............this week. My 8 ball is getting heavy and foggy...It needs new batteries, and I'm rubbing it raw on one side. The last thing that came up on the pyramid when I caressed it one last time was................

GET THE F*&$ OFF ME!!!!!

Putting her down till next week....

Roster Wars Times Junior Fantasy Writer

Vin Cizenas


Article by: Vin Cizenas (AKA Lance (AKA Wyoming Headhunters))