Week 1: Doomsday Diagnosis

The 1st week has arrived and many Roster Wars owners will be biting their nails for their respective players. This off season has been a killer for everyone in terms of injuries and a struggle to make up lost ground. Doomsday is coming Sunday and Dr Doomsday will try to put every injured player to the bench.

Marshawn Lynch: In contract with Philadelphia Pigskins and Wyoming Headhunters
Owners Philadelphia Pigskins and Wyoming Headhunters will have a really tough time this week on whether to put Lynch in this week. He once again has the PAINFUL back spasms. Lynch is questionable but practiced today on a limited basis. He is a definite game time decision and the back spasms could show up anytime.
Final Verdict: Will play on limited carries. About 8-15 in my opinion.

Ryan Matthews: In contract with the Chicago Crime Syndicate and England Dragons
This man has disappointed people time and time again. After the release of Tolbert, HUGE expectations came from myself and what seemed like the rest of the fantasy world. One year it's fumble, and next injuries. Mathews broke his clavicle and is not looking good at all. He has been to practice on a limited basis but is not cleared for contact. With the game closing in quickly and not even able to get hit, I really don't think this will work out one way or the other. His official status is doubtful but I think it's safe to call him out.
Final Verdict: Out for the game

Adrian Peterson: In contract with the Singapore Slings and Wyoming Headhunters
Peterson's recovery just shows how much of a beast he is. The guy is a monster and should be able to come back. His current status in questionable and is expected to play. If he does play, Coach Leslie Frazier has already said that they will not rush him and put him for limited carries. Gerhart has looked great and will probably get similar amount of carries week 1. My gut feel is that he will play. My main hope is that he doesn't go that hard with his running style and go a little smoother to reduce injury possibilities. Coach Frazier has also
Final Verdict: Will play but get 6-12 carries

Trent Richardson: In contract with the Dectaur Demons and New Mexico Mad Clowns
With high hopes of being the next SUPERSTAR at the RB position, Richardson is going on a relatively slow start. He injured his knee which in my opinion is a killer for hard running RB's like Richardson. Trent is making a slick recovery and is officially listed questionable and is expected to play against the Eagles. The Browns really need him and he seems confident that he will be in the game. In a quote, he has said "I'm still going to play like it's my last".
Final verdict: Will play and get the full load

Jonathan Stewart: In contract with the San Francisco Golddiggers and Florida Chaetomorpha
Getting high expectations for Stewart has been very common the past few years. He started his career wonderfully in one of the best RB duos of all time but has dropped off quite a bit. This week Stewart is questionable due to an ankle injury. He has not practiced in the last 3 days which makes his situation to play a lot worse. The Panthers will make a decision tomorrow(Friday) according to the Charlotte Observer reports.
Final Verdict: Will not play the game

Denarius Moore: In contract with the Singapore Slings and England Dragons
Moore has been looking very good when not injured. He has looked to be the next star for the Raider if injuries don't plague him, That is a HUGE IF. Moore hurt his hamstring and his been out for a long time. He returned to practice today(Thursday) for the first time since August 4th. Moore will be expected to play the Monday night opening showdown with Chargers. Coach Dennis Allen has announced that Moore will be a game time decision.
Final Verdict: Will play and effect the game

Marques Colston: In contract with the England Dragons and San Francisco Golddiggers
Colston who looks to have a big year took a step back with an injury. His foot has caused him to miss practice Wednesday but returned on limited terms today. He looks fine but is officially listed as questionable for the Saints game against the Washington Redskins.
Final Verdict: Will play with no major setbacks

Curtis Lofton: In contract with the Colorado Screaming Eagles and Minnesota Destroyers
Lofton who will be the main anchor of the Saints defense has had an ankle injury for quite some time. He has practiced fully today and looks to just fine. Watch for some huge numbers going forward barring no injury setback. Curtis Lofton is listed as probable right now.
Final Verdict: Will Play

David Hawthrone: In contract with the Utah Spazz and Philadelphia Pigskins
A newly acquired stud from the Seattle Seahawks, the New Orleans Saints LB David Hawthrone has been limited in practice for the past week. He finally practiced fully today and looks to join the new, studly group of new LBs in New Orleans. His official status is probable.
Final Verdict: Will Play

Stevie Johnson: In contract with the Chicago Crime Syndicate and St Louis Duffers
Stevie Johnson a young undrafted receiver just continues to put himself in that stud category. Johnson who hurt his groin sat out practice today. The Bills trainer's believe that he will back tomorrow and Saturday and be ready for the big divisional game against the Jets. Johnson is listed as questionable.
Final Verdict: Will play

Brian Urlacher: In contract with the Colorado Screaming Eagles and Singapore Slings
Urlacher looks like he will be coming back for the season opener. The Bears will really need him and he looks like the type of guy who would fight his way back. Urlacher has been practicing everyday since Monday but sat out today for precautionary measures. He is listed as probable.
Final Verdict: Will play

Rashard Mendenhall: In contract with the Wyoming Headhunters and Carolina Werewolves
Mendenhall has truly had an amazing recovery from a big injury. He has improved on his status slowly but surely. Mendenhall has practiced and showed quickness and cuts that left many Steeler players amazed and stunned. It may look like he will suit up but not really get meaningful action.
Final Verdict: Will play with no effect though.

James Harrison: In contract with the Singapore Slings and Colorado Screaming Eagles
This crazy, injury prone beast has been injured once again. His knee has been hurt and he didn't practice Thursday. Harrison is listed as questionable
Final Verdict: Will play with limited impact

Dustin Keller: In contract with the
Keller who is a steady consistent TE has been hurt from a hamstring injury this offseason. He practiced and looks like he is good to go. Keller has said"I'm pretty sure I'll be good to go".
Final Verdict: Will play with no set back

Arian Foster: In contract with the
With a new injury that just popped up today, Foster has hurt his knee. The Texans say that is minor which is a huge sigh of relieve to Foster owners as he is expected to be the #1 fantasy running back this year. Foster should be good to go and be very effective, just love this guy. Foster's official status is questionable but the Texans say it is minor.
Final Verdict: Will be good to go

Derrick Johnson: In contract with the
The stud LB Derrick Johnson who hurt his ankle in the final preseason game looks to be fine. He was a limited participant in practice but being there is already a good sign. He looks to be in great form and shape for this upcoming season. He is listed as questionable.
Final Verdict: Will Play


Article by Dr Doomsday (AKA Sihao - San Diego Killers)

Week 1: Magic 8 Ball Report

IntroductionThe great thing about week one, nobody sucks. Right? (a shake of the ball) Wrong! Roster Wars is, well, different. Unique. Special? Some of the GM's are certainly special. There is a lot at stake in the "League of Leagues". At the end there will be Banners of Glory, and shame. Through the middle, trading, injuries and turmoil. But, alas, we are at the beginning. Every team being equal, Yes? Hardly. Let me splain. Follow me as I read my magic 8 ball...........

Chapter 1

Eternals (0-0) vs Clowns (0-0)

"WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE IS A FAILURE TO".......

......draft good teams. Fortunately, for these two GM's, they are both in the same boat. Which, as crazy as it may sound, makes this matchup tough to pick. The Godfather, admittedly, was flustered in his draft but is confident that in a few years everything will turn out in his favor. On offense, he rolls out Forte and Antonio Brown with decent matchups for the week. But, what else. His QB's aren't lighting anything up. What he rolls with as his other Rb's and WR's are nothing much to write about and Finley gets the Niners. Yikes!! where are the points? The Grandfather, on the other hand, has a great matchup for Stafford, but after that the rest of his offensive starters have formidable defenses to face and are suspect to boot anyway(James Jones, Robinson, Blount, and Donald Brown)?? Where are the points? OH wait, 11 more guys get to take the field in this league(as many of you failed to plan for). The Clowns are rolling out 2 great DE's, 2 Great LB's and some DB's with nice high powered down field offenses to tackle. And to make it hard again, the Eternals are doing the same. To me the edge in D goes to the Clowns, and the Edge in O goes to the Eternals. A turn of the ball tells me.

Eternals squeak out a win, possibly their only one.

Dragons (0-0) vs Seaweed (0-0)

Good cop bad cop

Yes this is the monster matchup for the week, but it's my magic ball that tell the true story. Some idiot told the GM of Chaetomorpha that his team was the worst in the league. Genius. Chaeto, then proceeds to obliterate his team and make it, for lack of a better word, good. The QB's in this matchup leave a lot to be desired, but, after that we have quite a battle brewing. The RB's aren't the bigger names but will do their jobs. The WR battle looked awesome at first but, after more review, the Chaetos started to stand out. Then as I started reading the D, thinking the Dragons would start to pull away, Cheetos' blew me away. This team don't suck. In fact, they look, dare I say, title worthy. Ever see how quickly algae grows in a pond? Ever see the blob after it consumes something? I caress the number on it's back and turn.....

The Dragons get slayed week one by some Weird form of water grass.

Chapter 2

Gadabouts (0-0) vs. Duffers (0-0)

Somethin's a missin'

This one is easy for me. This is a two QB league. And, even though the Duffers have Brees, they can't make up those points at another position. The only place the Duffers win is in the WR core. They are a force there. However, after that, they get outdone at every position but DB(matters little). This one won't even be funny as the Gadabouts smoke a Duffer......the magic ball adds.........

By a country mile.

Headhunters (0-0) vs. Africans (0-0)

Preseason Darling

The highly touted and caressed Africans come into week one shining their coat of arms like they just won the war without a shot fired. Garnering several leaguemates' vote for the best team, they had a lot to be proud of. Or did they? The QB battle in this contest can be summed up by matchups. The Africans have the better of it. The tables turn a bit, however, when we evaluate
RB's. The Headhunters studs face the Cards, Jags and Chargers and should balance the scales here. The Headhunters WRs are, left wanting, while one of the Africans' boys get those beautiful Jags. The scales tip a little to the southern hemisphere again. Then, the tsunami hits from the earthquake thousands of miles away, that is the Headhunters D. Eight of his 11 starters have the potential to make this a blowout. In fact, IT WILL BE. A pinkie tap on old número ocho lights up the sky like a spotlight........

HEADHUNTERS BY 50

Chapter 3

Screaming Eagles (0-0) vs. Degenerates (0-0)

Empty Coffers

The Eagles are daunting. The Degenerates, are just that, degenerates. The Degenerates blew their cash early on studs and spent pennies on degenerates after vacationing for a week and a half while the rest of the league finished the auction. The insane part is, his Degenerates aren't that bad.

Ok, maybe they are. But, at first glance, you would think Eagles win going away. Swallow this. Eli and Rogers play Dallas and the 49ers respectively. The Eagles' Denver starters, play the Steelers. When you throw in the Bills and Ravens against Greene and Green, and note that his LBers are in the infirmary, the Eagles don't look so scary. Meanwhile, the Degenerates' main offensive starters play teams like the Titans, Redskins, Dolphins and Rams. And, we all know the Degenerates are stacked on offense. WHAT you talkin about Willis? That's right, one of the best teams, on paper, could be the victim of................ bad matchups. They all favor Vegas.

So, will these odds allow me to pick the Degenerates over the Eagles......Not a chance. The Eagles "D" is the key and they still have the TE duo of the decade. The Eagles are just too strong. A toss of the 8 ball shows us......

Eagles make it look harder than it should be against the Degenerates, but flutter into week 2, undefeated.

Spazz (0-0) vs Legends (0-0)

The case of the broken spleen

AHHHHH OHHHHH UGHHHHH.......That's the reaction I have when I look at what the Spazz GM has done to his team from conception to now. Like a big lineman blowing up a mans spleen, Spazz imploded his team. The polar opposite of Cheato is Spazz. The good thing for this team is that they play the Legends. Scratch that, it's bad, real bad. The only place Spazz has a chance is at QB. The Legends have fools gold there and will struggle to keep up. That is where his fall ends. The Legends RB's WR's TE's and D will make this one of the biggest blowouts of week 1. The Spazz are playing for a smidgen of credibility this year, but won't find it here.........A gentle rub the magic ball states

this is going to need stitches.......Ouch Spazz

Chapter 4

Pigskins (0-0) vs Destroyers (0-0)

Kickers and injuns

The problem with Redskins fans is, they love their team. To a fault. RG the third will not bring you Luck. This is a tough contest between these two. Both teams have studs at RB and WR sprinkled in with maybe's. RB leans to the Destroyers. WR leans back to the Pigskins and the TE's both have big potential. The defense sways a little to the Pigskins, while the QB game goes to the Destroyers. This game is so even I had to do something that I may never have to do again. I had to go into overtime on this one. I had to put this pick on the one guy that everyone forgets. The one guy on a team that everything hinges on him. The one guy who can be a hero or zero in a split second. The kicker....yup.....wide right baby. And is there any better 150 year old kicker in the game than Janikowski..?.... A shake of the ball reveals

Destroyers by a missed field goal.

Bombers (0-0) vs Slings (0-0)

Shakey shake shake

You see. This is what you get when a conference plays nice and everyone keeps the bids in check and no one spends more than $70 on a player and nobody trades anything but a dollar here or there. You get equality. The 8 ball pyramid got cocked sideways on this one. Every time I shook my ball, I got a pointed end of the pyramid staring me in the face.Then the genius in me(you know, the one that knows Vince sucks)realized the damn arrow was pointing at me. This one is mine. So, i flipped a coin, over and over heads tails heads tails. Then drew straws out of a package. Damn things are all the same length. So, I did what any good prediction analyst would do. Enie meanie miney mo.............and you are not it(Slings) you dirty dish rag you(Bombers)....

Slings win by a rhyme

Chapter 5

Demons (0-0) vs Criminals (0-0)

RIP Michael

We, as a family, lost one of our founding members. Not to death, or prison, but to something that was more important than Roster Wars. My 8 ball tells me that is........BULLSHIT and not possible. I digress. In comes the replacement at the last second, full of fight and life. Ready to kick the crap out of Vince at a moments notice(till the damn cop shows up). again, i digress. Bottom line is, he did well. DrAfting a good, solid team, that will have the demons begging for mercy. Every piece of this pie goes to the criminal mind as his strengths at every position overwhelm the demons. My ball comes out of it's (I ain't touching this one) state and informs me....

Demons Suck

Cats (0-0) vs Empire (0-0)

Here kitty kitty kitty....BANG.....BANG BANG

You ever just want to lure one in with that sweet, sweet voice and then.........@&$:;?!!! Awe yeah, peace. The Empire and the Cats look good. These offenses should scratch and claw at each other all day Sunday. The Cats with those field generals and the Empire with those receivers. Mmm, juicy. Hooooooe doggies. We play defense here too. Who knew Cats are smart critters after all(and cuddlesome). The Cats D are here to prove a point and it will be at the Empires expense. A shake of the 8 pulls back the curtain and reveals that.......

The Cat has the gun.......BANG.....BANG BANG

Chapter 6

Diggers (0-0) vs Werewolves (0-0)

Silence

This is tough for me. These two GM's are not the most vocal in our club. It makes it tough for me, and my ball, to see into their innards. But, I trudge on and, although boring as it may be, call it as I see it. The Werewolves, if I recall, talked a pretty big game on being a good auction drafter. Well, what the hell happened? Their team is not bad but they hold no candle to the diggers in this contest. And, if they don't make some moves, they won't ever see a full moon in this league. My magic ball says.........

Go ahead piss him off...Diggers by a nugget

Legionnaires (0-0) vs Killers(0-0)

One step forward Two steps back

When the Killers were done with their draft I thought they sucked. Then they started trading. All the sudden they started to look worse, then better, then worse. I get sick to my stomach with their roller coaster ride. Same with the Legionnares. Find a dollar, buy a dollar, trade a dollar. DIZZY, I am(had to get Yoda in the mix). Now we are at week 1 and where are you? ?*&# I don't know. What I do know is these teams have the identical line up after all that POO. Good QB paired with POO. Great RB paired with POO. A couple of good WR's paired with a couple of....POO. Ok when you scroll through the D's, Good and POO. Fortunately, in this matchup the Legionnaires found more gold coins in the defense than did the Killers. When I break this matchup down to the last dollar I find that the Legionnaires, with all their talk, about nothing usually can GM a good team. And, the Killers? They aren't killing anyone.............this week. My 8 ball is getting heavy and foggy...It needs new batteries, and I'm rubbing it raw on one side. The last thing that came up on the pyramid when I caressed it one last time was................

GET THE F*&$ OFF ME!!!!!

Putting her down till next week....

Roster Wars Times Junior Fantasy Writer

Vin Cizenas


Article by: Vin Cizenas (AKA Lance (AKA Wyoming Headhunters))

Week 1: Monster Matchup

Well folks, it’s been another exciting week in Roster Wars. However, this week has been even more exciting than normal- not because it’s the first week of football, but because it’s the first edition of the Monster Matchup, with Dr. Pigskinstein. It’s been an exciting initial offseason, filled with ups and downs but we’re finally here. Teams have been created, rated, insulted, defended, and altered. And without further ado, here is our first monster matchup!

Week 1 is going to look at the divisional showdown between the Florida Chaetomorpha and the England Dragons. The Dragons and Chaetomorpha have had very different approaches to the season. Based on our controversial rankings, Stylianos finished the auction among the bottom teams, while Jon was deemed to have one of Roster Wars’ best squads. Dragons shared his utmost confidence, claiming that he has the best defense in the DD. However, Stylianos took his criticism to heart and made a flurry of moves to improve his roster. For their team debuts, the Dragons will be sending out an offensive squad consisting of 2 Quarterbacks, 2 Runningbacks, 5 Wide Receivers, and a single Tight End and Kicker. Their defensive formation will feature a single Defensive Tackle, 3 Defensive Ends, 4 Linebackers, a Cornerback and 2 Safeties. The Chaetomorpha will counter them with an offensive formation with 2 Quarterbacks, 3 Running Backs, 4 Wide Receivers, a Tight End and a Kicker. On defense Florida will be sending out a Defensive Tackle, 2 Defensive Ends, 4 Linebackers, a Cornerback and 3 Safeties. Florida is obviously anticipating England to attack through the air.

As the dust has settled on their active offseasons, there are some players that stand out to this doctor as crucial towards each team’s victory. England needs a strong debut from rookie quarterback RG3, who could be welcomed to the NFL with a shootout against new passing king Drew Brees. MJD decided to join his team shortly before the season began. He had demanded a trade after Jon only signed him to a 3 year deal, but after more fines than Style’s War Bucks could cover, he decided to rejoin his team. I foresee a monster let down week 1, as Rashad Jennings will be starting. Last year’s holdout example did not fare well, and MJD is on a much worse team. Dragon’s next 2 key players are making their debuts with new teams, as Brandon Marshall is reunited with Jay Cutler and Mario Williams begins his contract with the Bills. Marshall should be a solid contributor this season, and Williams should flourish in his return to the line. The Dragons will be missing some of their star players as well this week, as Ryan Mathews and Kenny Britt are both recovering from controversial procedures- Mathews having his ankles replaced with wine glasses and Britt having his brain replaced with a carrot.

The Chaetomorpha have been one of the most active teams since the conclusion of our draft. Racking up War Bucks, and establishing a revolving door of draft picks, The Chaetomorpha even traded away the very player he claimed was the focal point of his auction strategy, proving that no single player is safe from his attempts to improve his team. Staying true to their Tampa roots, the team has collected a plethora of Buccaneers. Stylianos will surely be on the edge of his seat for Sunday’s matchup between the Buccaneers and the Panthers, as a full third of his starting roster will be playing in that game. Outside of that game, there are several other important players whose performance could determine the success of the Seaweed in week 1. Mike Wallace, Jordy Nelson, and Dez Bryant could combine to be a modern day Cerberus, or just a 3 headed headache. All have major questions coming into the season, but have shown that their upside is on par with the best in the game. The Chaetomorpha also need solid if not spectacular play out of both quarterbacks this week, as both have shown glimpses, but need to take another step in consistency to make this doctor a believer. Chris Long and D’Qwell Jackson are 2 additional critical components in the Chaetomorpha starting out among Roster Wars’ undefeated ranks. Both have shown they can be beasts at their respective positions, with health being their primary concern.

I may be mixing medications, but this week’s projected winner of the Monster Matchup is the Florida Chaetomorpha. I believe the Dragons have a slight edge defensively, but I give the offensive edge to the Chaetomorpha due to Florida’s strong WR corp, in addition to key losses to the Dragon’s starting lineup. All this leads me to believe that it will be a close matchup, with the slight edge going to the Chaetomorpha. I’m predicting victory by a single digit margin.

Good luck to everyone not playing the Pigskins this week!

Article by Matt K. (AKA Philadelphia Pigskins)