Week 2: Magic 8 Ball Report

WEEK 2: Magic 8 Ball Report

RECORD (7-5)

Some might call the 8 Ball report prediction record sloppy, mediocre, or unimpressive. I call it, nearly perfect. After all, what do you expect from my black beauty. If you read between the lines, the ball was right every time. Let me splain....take the Demons/CCS call. The ball stated "Demons Suck." Was it wrong? I think not. For the Duffers/Gada tilt, my ball said "by a country mile." How far is that, really? You see, she is never really wrong. It is all about perception. Now, come along, come along now...................

ROCKY III
Legionnaires (1-0) v Diggers (0-1)

Week 1 for the Legionnaires was bliss. His team could do nothing wrong. Lance Moore with 20+. Freaking Kicker with 20+. Kevin Smith.....cmon. The Legionnaires have a good team. Good enough to keep that pace? Not so much. The Diggers, on the other hand, did their best to muster mediocrity. Cam with a bad week and a ZERO from Jared Allen? Not happening again. This week, I believe, the tide turns. The Diggers core studs have great match-ups all the way down the line. The world thought Clubber Lang couldn't be beat. The world thought Rocky was a paper champ. Mickey was.....was..104.......Apollo Creed(killers) got beat down and Adrian.....was never pretty....This weekend Rocky proves the world wrong and knocks out Clubber Lang with a loud(whatever noise that is that Rocky makes)......

and the 8 ball says(in the family feud dudes voice): I pity the fool

WHAT ABOUT BOB
Cats (1-0) v Demons (1-0)

Would you believe that this is the only game on the docket of undefeated teams facing each other. Well, it is. The Cats did just as predicted in week 1 making the Empire look weak. While the Demons D did all the heavy lifting for him. Unfortunately, for Bob, he is living in another world. A world where he must keep telling himself everything will be ok. I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful..But, it's not wonderful, it's not good. The Demons did just about what they can be expected to do. However, under 300 points in this league just will not cut it on a weekly basis. Fortunately, there is the therapy, and the Demons are going to need a lot of it. The Cats bury this poop in the litter box and remain undefeated....

8 ball wisdom: I sail.....I sail now....I'm a sailor...

THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES
Legends (1-0) v Degenerates (0-1)

The Degenerates did not disappoint in week 1. Their high powered offense mostly showed up like they were supposed too. And, the defense, did squat, like they were supposed to. This is the classic case of why you need a good D in this league. Without a fluke performance from Porter the Degenerates would have lost by 60+. Unfortunately, for Vegas, things aren't looking up. Remember the Outlaw Josey Wales always had a big chew in his mouth and spit it on anything and anyone ? That is what I see in this matchup. Vegas is the bug crawling across the ground and Vince is Josey hurling the perfect ball of tabacco spit and nailing him as he tries to crawl to safety.

8 ball recalls: Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms

CHRISTMAS VACATION
Headhunters (1-0) v Gadabouts (0-1)

The Gadabouts lost a close one in week 1 to a Duffers team we, here at the 8 ball report, obviously underestimated. Meanwhile, the Headhunters eeked out a win with a solid showing across his team from all but a few players. This week the Headhunters garner matches from their core players against the Colts, Jags, and Dolphins. The Gadaboys don't have bad matchups but lack the firepower to board enough points to stay close. As the Headhunters bask in the glory of Christmas, the Gaydarboys stand in the cold, cigar in hand.........

8 ball screams: SHITTER'S FULL!!!!!!!

TOMBSTONE
Dragons (1-0) v Clowns (0-1)

Last week, the Dragons got a gift. As luck would have it the firepower Florida has on their team decided to stay home. Thus, a half hearted win. The Clowns, they stayed home too. They, the Clowns, look mean. Scary little bastards in the face. But underneath just a sheep in wolves clothing. They have some guys who can flat play ball. But the rest that are sprinkled in are to leave him wanting for the rest of the year. The Clowns do not posses the horses to put up a 300+ score on a weekly basis. Therefore, the challenge for them will be in trading and the waiver wire to try to muster some kind of a respectful season. The Dragons pull a Wyatt Earp on Johnny Tyler.....

The 8 ball chimes in: You gonna do something or just stand there and bleed

TWINS
Chaetomorpha (0-1) v Eternals (1-0)

Chaetomorpha laid an egg week 1. Or, whatever seaweed poops, that's what happened. They nearly would have lost to the Clowns. The Eternals, however, surprised us. The Eternals got big games out of some guys who probably won't do that very often. FloRIDA got bad games from guys who should show up in the coming weeks. To us at the 8 ball report this is a Twins moment. In our opinion two totally opposite teams that are showing totally opposite of their capabilities. This week the Eternals will be relying on some guys who came out of nowhere in week 1. The norm on that is.....those guys usually go back in the closet. Chaeto is praying that his stars actually will come out an perform. This coming Tuesday both of these teams will have twin records and the universe will be balanced once again.

The magic sphere remembers: My name is Julius and I am your twin brother. Oh, obviously!

YOUNG GUNS II
Bombers (0-1) v Pigskins (1-0)

The Bombers got their buts handed to them in a Sling last week. While the Skin road their young guns to victory in our inaugural week. This week we see much of the same the old dogs for the Bombers will put up a good fight. And, the Skins' young pups will try to run rampant once again in week two. As much as I love the power of veterans in FF, the pups on the Pigskins roster have super good matchups to exploit. As the Skins look down on their rivals from the second floor window, they can enjoy at least one more week of young guns making their mark.

Ol' #8 shouts: Best dollar eighty I ever spent

KARATE KID
Spazz (0-1) v Eagles(1-0)

Man I love a good fight. I love a good underdog getting beat down, no respect and then BAM, kicking the crap out of the bully. The Spazz looked done. Trading away any hope for a successful season. Now, those scrubs everyone thought would garner him a top pick come draft day, are starters. And, those Eagles, that everyone thought were a slam dunk for greatness, look, mortal. The Spazz even though losing are riding high on the thought that maybe, just maybe he doesn't suck that bad. And, the Eagles, even though winning last week, should feel as if maybe they can't stand up as the best in the league. Now, as much as we here at the 8 ball report love the underdog. We believe, that little Machio dude should have gotten his ass kicked in the end cause that crane kick is a bunch of horse puckey. Spazz tap out in the 3rd....

Sensei 8 ball say: Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything

PREDATOR
Africans (0-1) v Duffers (1-0)

The Duffers squeaked out a win from the Gadabouts in week 1. Getting solid performances throughout his lineup. The Africans, however, hung tough all weekend until the end. But, failed to finish the Headhunters off. This, to me, is one of the best matches of the week. Both teams offenses are stacked. Both teams defenses are lacking. No offensive players facing real formidable defenses. This should be a great one. The big bad alien vs. ARNOLD. In the end, the Duffers get blown to hell, while the Africans barely walk away.

SGT.. 8 Ball whispers: You're ghostin' us, motherfu&%er.
TERMINATOR
Slings (1-0) v Destroyers (0-1)

The Slings got a gift last week. They just happened to play the worst team in the conference this day and barely made it happen at that. The Destroyers showed well but picked the wrong skin to play week 1. Week 2, however, will be different and similar. The difference being that the Slings will score more points this week. The similarity being that the Destroyers will put up a fight again but end up just missing out on another win. Just like the terminator always seems to just miss out on killing John Connor, the Destroyers will end up helping their intended victim by the end(by letting the Slings steal another win)

Terminator 8 demands: Your clothes... give them to me, now.


THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Empire (0-1) v CCS (0-1)

The only battle of winless team this week is an easy one. The Empire put up enough points to beat 3/4 of his conferencedre. However,he drew the short straw last week, having to face those pesky Cats. CCS could have beat a mere 2 teams in the entire league with the poo he put on the field. Unfortunately for the rebellion things will not get any better this week. They will be lucky to best their point total from a week ago. While the Empire will stormtrooper in and destroy CCS with hardly a punch thrown. The ugliness continues for the Syndicate in week 2 with no end in sight.

Darth Ball breathes: Don't fail me again, Admiral.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE
Killers (0-1) v Werewolves (1-0)
As of this writing, Midnight EST. Thursday, Sept. 13th The Werewolves have yet to set a lineup for week two.........THEY LOSE...

DoubtfireBALL screams: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise

Until we meet again......

Roster Wars Times apprentice matchup writer

Yukon G O'toohel

Week 1: Magic 8 Ball Report

IntroductionThe great thing about week one, nobody sucks. Right? (a shake of the ball) Wrong! Roster Wars is, well, different. Unique. Special? Some of the GM's are certainly special. There is a lot at stake in the "League of Leagues". At the end there will be Banners of Glory, and shame. Through the middle, trading, injuries and turmoil. But, alas, we are at the beginning. Every team being equal, Yes? Hardly. Let me splain. Follow me as I read my magic 8 ball...........

Chapter 1

Eternals (0-0) vs Clowns (0-0)

"WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE IS A FAILURE TO".......

......draft good teams. Fortunately, for these two GM's, they are both in the same boat. Which, as crazy as it may sound, makes this matchup tough to pick. The Godfather, admittedly, was flustered in his draft but is confident that in a few years everything will turn out in his favor. On offense, he rolls out Forte and Antonio Brown with decent matchups for the week. But, what else. His QB's aren't lighting anything up. What he rolls with as his other Rb's and WR's are nothing much to write about and Finley gets the Niners. Yikes!! where are the points? The Grandfather, on the other hand, has a great matchup for Stafford, but after that the rest of his offensive starters have formidable defenses to face and are suspect to boot anyway(James Jones, Robinson, Blount, and Donald Brown)?? Where are the points? OH wait, 11 more guys get to take the field in this league(as many of you failed to plan for). The Clowns are rolling out 2 great DE's, 2 Great LB's and some DB's with nice high powered down field offenses to tackle. And to make it hard again, the Eternals are doing the same. To me the edge in D goes to the Clowns, and the Edge in O goes to the Eternals. A turn of the ball tells me.

Eternals squeak out a win, possibly their only one.

Dragons (0-0) vs Seaweed (0-0)

Good cop bad cop

Yes this is the monster matchup for the week, but it's my magic ball that tell the true story. Some idiot told the GM of Chaetomorpha that his team was the worst in the league. Genius. Chaeto, then proceeds to obliterate his team and make it, for lack of a better word, good. The QB's in this matchup leave a lot to be desired, but, after that we have quite a battle brewing. The RB's aren't the bigger names but will do their jobs. The WR battle looked awesome at first but, after more review, the Chaetos started to stand out. Then as I started reading the D, thinking the Dragons would start to pull away, Cheetos' blew me away. This team don't suck. In fact, they look, dare I say, title worthy. Ever see how quickly algae grows in a pond? Ever see the blob after it consumes something? I caress the number on it's back and turn.....

The Dragons get slayed week one by some Weird form of water grass.

Chapter 2

Gadabouts (0-0) vs. Duffers (0-0)

Somethin's a missin'

This one is easy for me. This is a two QB league. And, even though the Duffers have Brees, they can't make up those points at another position. The only place the Duffers win is in the WR core. They are a force there. However, after that, they get outdone at every position but DB(matters little). This one won't even be funny as the Gadabouts smoke a Duffer......the magic ball adds.........

By a country mile.

Headhunters (0-0) vs. Africans (0-0)

Preseason Darling

The highly touted and caressed Africans come into week one shining their coat of arms like they just won the war without a shot fired. Garnering several leaguemates' vote for the best team, they had a lot to be proud of. Or did they? The QB battle in this contest can be summed up by matchups. The Africans have the better of it. The tables turn a bit, however, when we evaluate
RB's. The Headhunters studs face the Cards, Jags and Chargers and should balance the scales here. The Headhunters WRs are, left wanting, while one of the Africans' boys get those beautiful Jags. The scales tip a little to the southern hemisphere again. Then, the tsunami hits from the earthquake thousands of miles away, that is the Headhunters D. Eight of his 11 starters have the potential to make this a blowout. In fact, IT WILL BE. A pinkie tap on old número ocho lights up the sky like a spotlight........

HEADHUNTERS BY 50

Chapter 3

Screaming Eagles (0-0) vs. Degenerates (0-0)

Empty Coffers

The Eagles are daunting. The Degenerates, are just that, degenerates. The Degenerates blew their cash early on studs and spent pennies on degenerates after vacationing for a week and a half while the rest of the league finished the auction. The insane part is, his Degenerates aren't that bad.

Ok, maybe they are. But, at first glance, you would think Eagles win going away. Swallow this. Eli and Rogers play Dallas and the 49ers respectively. The Eagles' Denver starters, play the Steelers. When you throw in the Bills and Ravens against Greene and Green, and note that his LBers are in the infirmary, the Eagles don't look so scary. Meanwhile, the Degenerates' main offensive starters play teams like the Titans, Redskins, Dolphins and Rams. And, we all know the Degenerates are stacked on offense. WHAT you talkin about Willis? That's right, one of the best teams, on paper, could be the victim of................ bad matchups. They all favor Vegas.

So, will these odds allow me to pick the Degenerates over the Eagles......Not a chance. The Eagles "D" is the key and they still have the TE duo of the decade. The Eagles are just too strong. A toss of the 8 ball shows us......

Eagles make it look harder than it should be against the Degenerates, but flutter into week 2, undefeated.

Spazz (0-0) vs Legends (0-0)

The case of the broken spleen

AHHHHH OHHHHH UGHHHHH.......That's the reaction I have when I look at what the Spazz GM has done to his team from conception to now. Like a big lineman blowing up a mans spleen, Spazz imploded his team. The polar opposite of Cheato is Spazz. The good thing for this team is that they play the Legends. Scratch that, it's bad, real bad. The only place Spazz has a chance is at QB. The Legends have fools gold there and will struggle to keep up. That is where his fall ends. The Legends RB's WR's TE's and D will make this one of the biggest blowouts of week 1. The Spazz are playing for a smidgen of credibility this year, but won't find it here.........A gentle rub the magic ball states

this is going to need stitches.......Ouch Spazz

Chapter 4

Pigskins (0-0) vs Destroyers (0-0)

Kickers and injuns

The problem with Redskins fans is, they love their team. To a fault. RG the third will not bring you Luck. This is a tough contest between these two. Both teams have studs at RB and WR sprinkled in with maybe's. RB leans to the Destroyers. WR leans back to the Pigskins and the TE's both have big potential. The defense sways a little to the Pigskins, while the QB game goes to the Destroyers. This game is so even I had to do something that I may never have to do again. I had to go into overtime on this one. I had to put this pick on the one guy that everyone forgets. The one guy on a team that everything hinges on him. The one guy who can be a hero or zero in a split second. The kicker....yup.....wide right baby. And is there any better 150 year old kicker in the game than Janikowski..?.... A shake of the ball reveals

Destroyers by a missed field goal.

Bombers (0-0) vs Slings (0-0)

Shakey shake shake

You see. This is what you get when a conference plays nice and everyone keeps the bids in check and no one spends more than $70 on a player and nobody trades anything but a dollar here or there. You get equality. The 8 ball pyramid got cocked sideways on this one. Every time I shook my ball, I got a pointed end of the pyramid staring me in the face.Then the genius in me(you know, the one that knows Vince sucks)realized the damn arrow was pointing at me. This one is mine. So, i flipped a coin, over and over heads tails heads tails. Then drew straws out of a package. Damn things are all the same length. So, I did what any good prediction analyst would do. Enie meanie miney mo.............and you are not it(Slings) you dirty dish rag you(Bombers)....

Slings win by a rhyme

Chapter 5

Demons (0-0) vs Criminals (0-0)

RIP Michael

We, as a family, lost one of our founding members. Not to death, or prison, but to something that was more important than Roster Wars. My 8 ball tells me that is........BULLSHIT and not possible. I digress. In comes the replacement at the last second, full of fight and life. Ready to kick the crap out of Vince at a moments notice(till the damn cop shows up). again, i digress. Bottom line is, he did well. DrAfting a good, solid team, that will have the demons begging for mercy. Every piece of this pie goes to the criminal mind as his strengths at every position overwhelm the demons. My ball comes out of it's (I ain't touching this one) state and informs me....

Demons Suck

Cats (0-0) vs Empire (0-0)

Here kitty kitty kitty....BANG.....BANG BANG

You ever just want to lure one in with that sweet, sweet voice and then.........@&$:;?!!! Awe yeah, peace. The Empire and the Cats look good. These offenses should scratch and claw at each other all day Sunday. The Cats with those field generals and the Empire with those receivers. Mmm, juicy. Hooooooe doggies. We play defense here too. Who knew Cats are smart critters after all(and cuddlesome). The Cats D are here to prove a point and it will be at the Empires expense. A shake of the 8 pulls back the curtain and reveals that.......

The Cat has the gun.......BANG.....BANG BANG

Chapter 6

Diggers (0-0) vs Werewolves (0-0)

Silence

This is tough for me. These two GM's are not the most vocal in our club. It makes it tough for me, and my ball, to see into their innards. But, I trudge on and, although boring as it may be, call it as I see it. The Werewolves, if I recall, talked a pretty big game on being a good auction drafter. Well, what the hell happened? Their team is not bad but they hold no candle to the diggers in this contest. And, if they don't make some moves, they won't ever see a full moon in this league. My magic ball says.........

Go ahead piss him off...Diggers by a nugget

Legionnaires (0-0) vs Killers(0-0)

One step forward Two steps back

When the Killers were done with their draft I thought they sucked. Then they started trading. All the sudden they started to look worse, then better, then worse. I get sick to my stomach with their roller coaster ride. Same with the Legionnares. Find a dollar, buy a dollar, trade a dollar. DIZZY, I am(had to get Yoda in the mix). Now we are at week 1 and where are you? ?*&# I don't know. What I do know is these teams have the identical line up after all that POO. Good QB paired with POO. Great RB paired with POO. A couple of good WR's paired with a couple of....POO. Ok when you scroll through the D's, Good and POO. Fortunately, in this matchup the Legionnaires found more gold coins in the defense than did the Killers. When I break this matchup down to the last dollar I find that the Legionnaires, with all their talk, about nothing usually can GM a good team. And, the Killers? They aren't killing anyone.............this week. My 8 ball is getting heavy and foggy...It needs new batteries, and I'm rubbing it raw on one side. The last thing that came up on the pyramid when I caressed it one last time was................

GET THE F*&$ OFF ME!!!!!

Putting her down till next week....

Roster Wars Times Junior Fantasy Writer

Vin Cizenas


Article by: Vin Cizenas (AKA Lance (AKA Wyoming Headhunters))