The first week is over!!! How did YOU do? Let’s take a few minutes and look back at some of the “How the Hell’s”, the “Why’s”, the “Studs”, the “If I only would have’s” and, of course, the “WTF’s”
Dastardly Dozen
Eternals – 323.16, Mad Clowns – 248.20
This contest was never in doubt. Starting with The Clowns not fielding an entire lineup, till the end of Monday Night Football. To the Eternals it goes, in no small part to the contributions from a surprising 28.82 pts from Randall Cobb. Head Coach Count Dracula stated in his news conference, “Coulrophobia has never been an issue for our team” On the other side, Head Coach the Joker, said he wished there had been more day games. He also stated “This was embarrassing; there will be a conversation with Mean Joe about our lineup duties.” Even the 22 pts that were left on the bench with Brandon Mebane would have made no difference.
Dragons – 278.26, Chaetomorpha – 263.22
Close all the way. The favored Seaweed had their hands full and it all came down to Monday night. Donald Butler put up 21 pts and Wesley Woodyard posted 31.00 pts in the Dragon victory. For the Chaetomorpha, starting DWilly, as all pundits were saying he should, turned him to a loss. Turned out Coach Clownfish left just a few too many bench pts. 8 players on the bench outscored their starting counterparts. OC Richard the Lionheart stated after the game “Seaweed with Ranch, goes down fine” Coach Clownfish didn’t say much, just, “Blurp. We do believe he loves his new aquarium though.”
Gadabouts – 312.88, Duffers – 318.24
First, WTH is a Gadabout? With that, Phillip Rivers just couldn’t quite pull it out in the last game of the week. This score could have been much worse, as the Duffers left a lot of points on the bench. Coach Andy Dufresne stated, “We didn’t kill them, either” For the Duffers, Coach Payne Stewart was quoted “It was a chip shot away from a loss, great game guys”
Headhunters – 345.94, Africans – 338.20
Close game all the way. All owner Ian Finnemore could do was watch helplessly as Malcolm Floyd, Antonio Gates and DMC combined for 51.70 pts to seal the victory for the Headhunters. For the Africans, Solid numbers from Ray Rice and Stephen Nicholas kept them in it. In the end, the 8.70 output from Jamaal Charles was just a little low to win this game. DC Tony Dungy stated “We just didn’t bring our A game.” Coach Tom Landry was overheard saying “Didn’t just shrink one head”
Screaming Eagles - 316.04, Degenerates – 271.96
The Screaming Eagles dominated this matchup from the get go, on both sides of the ball. His studs played like it. Graham, Gronk and JJ Watt all put up nice numbers. For the Degenerates, Tracy Porter and his 52.30 pts at least made it respectable. It appears the issue for The Degenerates was, Coach Jerry Jones couldn’t see the plays being called due to dirty glasses. OC John Elway stated after the game, “Jerry Jones and Degenerates, what else would you expect?”
Spazz – 342.58, Legends – 340.78
Another game that came down to the wire. Back and forth we went. While The Legends were favored, there was just no quit in the Spazz. An overall impressive display by the defense, pushed The Spazz to the win. For The Legends, a valiant effort that just fell short. Starting Jennings over BJGE proved to be a large factor in this loss. Coach Alfred Pennyworth stated, “We played like Robin, good but not good enough”. Owner James Brimacombe was quoted after the game “Vince? Vince is a Legend, in his own mind.”
Terrible Twelve
Pigskins – 336.80, Destroyers – 320.48
Close game that came down to the Offenses. In the end, AJ Green and Sebastian Janikowski spelled doom for the Destroyers. The Destroyers made a late push with Geno Atkins, but leaving Stephen Hill on the bench in favor of Greg Little sealed their fate. Coach Joe Gibbs, coming out of retirement, said, “It’s just like a NASCAR race, flat out at the end.” There are rumors from the Destroyers camp, that Dr. Sheldon Cooper has been approached about taking over play calling for Loki. This will be something we keep tabs on.
Bombers – 254.84, Slings – 263.42
Favored early in the week, The Bombers fell way short of expectations. Starting Hankerson and DWilly for a combined 1.40 pts blew away their chances. For The Slings, ADP’s return was the catalyst they needed. Sneaking a victory, Coach Hunter S Thompson was quoted, “Better than a stomping by The Hell’s Angels.” Albert Einstein, at his press conference, stated, “Next time, we bring Little Boy.”
Demons – 283.30, Crime Syndicate – 259.04
Heavily favored, Chicago just couldn’t pull this one out. Posting one of the lower overall Defensive totals arrested their chances. On the other side, The Demons defense, much maligned in the offseason, posted the 5th best score and propelled them to the win. Chicago coach, Al Capone, was not immediately available for comment, as he was taking a “little ride” with his tax attorney. At the Demons press conference, DC Ozzy Osbourne appeared ecstatic. No one was sure though, as we could not understand a word he said. Also, it was noted that Demons owner Bob Ralston, left his box, after the first Flacco/Smith play from scrimmage last night, to change his shorts.
Steel Cats – 388.10, Empire – 326.26
This game was not even that close. The Kitties defense put up huge numbers, combined with Rice and Boldins large performances to litter the field with The Empire. Left 291.78 points on their bench. Although this was only the 3rd highest total, it cost them the victory. Ray Lewis was stellar in the losing proposition. Head Coach Augustus was heard mumbling “Freakin’ Cats” after the game. For the Steel Cats, Puss n’ Boots could only purr.
Golddiggers – 263.72, Werewolves – 279.38
For the Golddiggers, 0.00 points from Jared Allen and Bruce Irvin did not help in this loss. On Carolina’s side, even missing a lineup move didn’t deter them in the push to victory. Coach Eva Mendes spoke at the press conference, but all the reporters could do was drool, not take notes. For San Fran, Coach Bill Walsh mentioned in his post game interview “We just didn’t load enough silver bullets. Bringing more Coors the next time we meet.”
Legionnaires – 409.94, Killers – 263.04
For Jersey, the top scorer in RW this week (which we will never hear the end of), they only left 2 players on the bench that scored more than the 22 starters. This was an impressive feat. The Killers had poor performances on both sides of the ball. Only 1 player, Brian Cushing, topped the 20 point mark. While they did leave a bunch of points on the bench, I still think it would not have mattered. Coach Dennis Green, again, stated “The Legionnaires are who we thought they were!” Just what the hell does that mean????? On Jerseys side, Coach William Wallace lifted his kilt a few times, scaring off reporters. Jersey owner, Justin Pullis, will more than likely be very hard to live with this week. He has secured bragging rights after the inaugural RW week 1.
That’s it from here.
Come back next week for the worst, and the breast, in Roster Wars!!!!!!
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