Week 2: Titillating Tuesday Takeaway

Titillating Tuesday Takeaway
By: Ima H. Omer

Another week has come and gone!!!! As we learned last week, scores are not official until Thursday, but we will try to help you stay abreast of the situation. We here feel that any game within 15 points, is “to close to call” until Elias releases final stats on Thursday. We will give our opinion and hopefully, not look like a boob.

Dastardly Dozen

Chaetomorpha – 365.42 @ Eternals – 223.45
Scary thing is, I can now SPELL Chaetomorpha without looking. To the game. For the Eternals, not a single player has topped the 20 point mark. This went a long way to their demise. Dracula had left Ogletree on the bench last week and should have this one too, as he came back to earth. Clownfish had 6 TBB’s score a total of 118.82 pts. While impressive, this reporter thinks this is more of a fluke than the rule. Chaetomorpha have shown us the way to kill Eternals……feed them Sushi.

Dragons – 346.18 @ Mad Clowns – 241.52
Dragons have come out breathing fire. The Mad Clowns are in the burn unit. Led by RG3 and Amendola on offense and very good numbers on defense, the Dragons burned their way through the Clowns. The Joker managed to leave some very solid defensive stats on his bench. In the end, it really wouldn’t have mattered that much. The Clowns will need to learn how to juggle their lineup better to break this losing streak.

Headhunters – 335.98 @ Gadabouts – 264.06
The Headhunters have stuck another skull on their spears. Putting together one of the best defensive scores of the week, they overcame poor performances from Peyton and DMC. These could have been critical, except OC Ron Burgandy just has not gotten the news yet. CJ0K just cannot score him points. Add in Williams and Titus Young, you get a whopping, wait for it, 9.40 pts. No way Ron can scoop anyone at this rate. Tom Landry just keeps continuing his winning ways.

Africans – 340.92 @ Duffers – 331.94
This is one of the games that falls into the “to close to call” category. Had OC Jim Harbaugh decided not to go with Jay Cutler and used Sanchez instead, this game would not be nearly as close. Add in the 1.40 Fitz performance and this game comes down to Elias. Payne Stewart is hoping to get a birdie on Thursday to pull this one out. He was helped the most by Matthews, Bush and Bowe. Had Andre Johnson managed to chip in, this would have been a great foursome. For now, we wait and see.

Spazz – 350.00 @ Screaming Eagles – 388.04
Spazz are on the ground twitching after last night’s game. While Spiller and Nicks led the offense, Blackmon and Rodgers appeared to be on medication, scoring a total of 1.22 points. For the Screaming Eagles, solid Monday Night plays from McGahee and White have soared them to the win and the largest point total for the week. The Ultimate Warrior is still looking for loopholes to get the Eagles off the endangered list.

Legends – 317.78 @, Degenerates – 291.42
Magneto rolled out the highest defensive effort so far this week. His LB’s gave a polarizing performance of 121.00 points. For this week, he has overcome the Hernandez injury. Can he do it moving on? Note should be made, the Legends had the next to lowest winning score. On the other side, Primetimes defense scored the least total defensive points of the week. Maybe he needs to spend more time in the tape room and less in a Fairy costume.

Terrible Twelve

Slings – 288.86 @ Destroyers – 359.78
Just like their name, the Destroyers did just that. Destroyed the Slings. Randy Marsh couldn’t get the Sherriff to find his own players. The 21.04 pt. total from Manning/Bradshaw/Charles/Jackson spelled doom. Destroyers had 4 IDP players that outscored this group single handedly. Emperor Palpatine brought a Death Star to the game w/Spiller and Sproles. Add in the second best defense, you get Storm Troopers.

Bombers – 302.10 @ Pigskins – 316.68
Game is close. Thursday is coming. Stanislaw is hoping for some decaying Uranium to blow up his stats. Although, had Einstein nuked Jay Cutler they would be in much better shape. Oxy-moron, Cutler/Einstein in same sentence. For the Pigskins, Joe Gibbs rolled out RG3 and AJ Green to lead the offense, with a lot of help from the D. London Fletcher showed he still has it with a 23.00 pt. output. We feel Dave will regret the Cutler move and will fall to the Piggieskins.

Steel Cats – 323.44 @ Demons – 313.68
Another close game. Again, the heavily dogged Demons are trying to pull one out of the ashes. The Steel Cats had nice numbers from Eli and the entire defense, while Ozzy, on the Demons side, had big fat 0’s from Avril and Nick Perry. In the end, we feel Puss N’ Boots will perform an Exorcism.

Empire – 366.82 @ Crime Syndicate – 284.24
These aren’t your Daddy’s legends here. Leonidas rebounded from last week with a defense of the Pass. Get it? After Thursday, he stands a chance of the top defensive score. Chicago was arrested by another down performance by his starters. Even with 100% efficiency, Capone would only have shot out a 309.60 score. No where good enough. He brought guns to a sword fight and lost.

Legionnaires – 260.92 @ Golddiggers – 348.34
Obviously, the Legionnaires were still drunk from their victory last week. Going from the high score, to the 2nd lowest score, they were massacred. Good thing Napoleon is not on staff, this would have been a Waterloo. We could add right here, that Hamish Campbell really needs to know who his players really are, but that would almost be cruel. The Golddiggers pumped out the second highest offensive total for the week. Led by 26+ scores from Foster/McGahee/Harvin/Davis, Genghis Kahn took the field of battle. When last seen, owner Justin Pullis was pounding swords into plowshares.

Killers – 314.24 @ Werewolves – 301.62
Close enough to be interesting. Jack Sparrow saved Nicks from the gangplank, now we need to see if it was enough. Maybe the Werewolves aren’t who Dennis Green thought they were. For DC Buddy Ryan, only 2 players topped 20 points. Had he been able to add a little more, outcome may have been different. Had Eva been able to pull this off, could have taken a much needed when in the 6th Chapter. No one may notice though, she is just too damn hot!!!!! We feel Killers hold on.

That’s it from here.

Come back next week for the worst, and the breast, in Roster Wars!!!!!!

Week 1: Titillating Tuesday Take

First things first, I’m up here, quit staring at my chest.

The first week is over!!! How did YOU do? Let’s take a few minutes and look back at some of the “How the Hell’s”, the “Why’s”, the “Studs”, the “If I only would have’s” and, of course, the “WTF’s”

Dastardly Dozen

Eternals – 323.16, Mad Clowns – 248.20
This contest was never in doubt. Starting with The Clowns not fielding an entire lineup, till the end of Monday Night Football. To the Eternals it goes, in no small part to the contributions from a surprising 28.82 pts from Randall Cobb. Head Coach Count Dracula stated in his news conference, “Coulrophobia has never been an issue for our team” On the other side, Head Coach the Joker, said he wished there had been more day games. He also stated “This was embarrassing; there will be a conversation with Mean Joe about our lineup duties.” Even the 22 pts that were left on the bench with Brandon Mebane would have made no difference.

Dragons – 278.26, Chaetomorpha – 263.22
Close all the way. The favored Seaweed had their hands full and it all came down to Monday night. Donald Butler put up 21 pts and Wesley Woodyard posted 31.00 pts in the Dragon victory. For the Chaetomorpha, starting DWilly, as all pundits were saying he should, turned him to a loss. Turned out Coach Clownfish left just a few too many bench pts. 8 players on the bench outscored their starting counterparts. OC Richard the Lionheart stated after the game “Seaweed with Ranch, goes down fine” Coach Clownfish didn’t say much, just, “Blurp. We do believe he loves his new aquarium though.”

Gadabouts – 312.88, Duffers – 318.24
First, WTH is a Gadabout? With that, Phillip Rivers just couldn’t quite pull it out in the last game of the week. This score could have been much worse, as the Duffers left a lot of points on the bench. Coach Andy Dufresne stated, “We didn’t kill them, either” For the Duffers, Coach Payne Stewart was quoted “It was a chip shot away from a loss, great game guys”

Headhunters – 345.94, Africans – 338.20
Close game all the way. All owner Ian Finnemore could do was watch helplessly as Malcolm Floyd, Antonio Gates and DMC combined for 51.70 pts to seal the victory for the Headhunters. For the Africans, Solid numbers from Ray Rice and Stephen Nicholas kept them in it. In the end, the 8.70 output from Jamaal Charles was just a little low to win this game. DC Tony Dungy stated “We just didn’t bring our A game.” Coach Tom Landry was overheard saying “Didn’t just shrink one head”

Screaming Eagles - 316.04, Degenerates – 271.96
The Screaming Eagles dominated this matchup from the get go, on both sides of the ball. His studs played like it. Graham, Gronk and JJ Watt all put up nice numbers. For the Degenerates, Tracy Porter and his 52.30 pts at least made it respectable. It appears the issue for The Degenerates was, Coach Jerry Jones couldn’t see the plays being called due to dirty glasses. OC John Elway stated after the game, “Jerry Jones and Degenerates, what else would you expect?”

Spazz – 342.58, Legends – 340.78
Another game that came down to the wire. Back and forth we went. While The Legends were favored, there was just no quit in the Spazz. An overall impressive display by the defense, pushed The Spazz to the win. For The Legends, a valiant effort that just fell short. Starting Jennings over BJGE proved to be a large factor in this loss. Coach Alfred Pennyworth stated, “We played like Robin, good but not good enough”. Owner James Brimacombe was quoted after the game “Vince? Vince is a Legend, in his own mind.”

Terrible Twelve

Pigskins – 336.80, Destroyers – 320.48
Close game that came down to the Offenses. In the end, AJ Green and Sebastian Janikowski spelled doom for the Destroyers. The Destroyers made a late push with Geno Atkins, but leaving Stephen Hill on the bench in favor of Greg Little sealed their fate. Coach Joe Gibbs, coming out of retirement, said, “It’s just like a NASCAR race, flat out at the end.” There are rumors from the Destroyers camp, that Dr. Sheldon Cooper has been approached about taking over play calling for Loki. This will be something we keep tabs on.

Bombers – 254.84, Slings – 263.42
Favored early in the week, The Bombers fell way short of expectations. Starting Hankerson and DWilly for a combined 1.40 pts blew away their chances. For The Slings, ADP’s return was the catalyst they needed. Sneaking a victory, Coach Hunter S Thompson was quoted, “Better than a stomping by The Hell’s Angels.” Albert Einstein, at his press conference, stated, “Next time, we bring Little Boy.”

Demons – 283.30, Crime Syndicate – 259.04
Heavily favored, Chicago just couldn’t pull this one out. Posting one of the lower overall Defensive totals arrested their chances. On the other side, The Demons defense, much maligned in the offseason, posted the 5th best score and propelled them to the win. Chicago coach, Al Capone, was not immediately available for comment, as he was taking a “little ride” with his tax attorney. At the Demons press conference, DC Ozzy Osbourne appeared ecstatic. No one was sure though, as we could not understand a word he said. Also, it was noted that Demons owner Bob Ralston, left his box, after the first Flacco/Smith play from scrimmage last night, to change his shorts.

Steel Cats – 388.10, Empire – 326.26
This game was not even that close. The Kitties defense put up huge numbers, combined with Rice and Boldins large performances to litter the field with The Empire. Left 291.78 points on their bench. Although this was only the 3rd highest total, it cost them the victory. Ray Lewis was stellar in the losing proposition. Head Coach Augustus was heard mumbling “Freakin’ Cats” after the game. For the Steel Cats, Puss n’ Boots could only purr.

Golddiggers – 263.72, Werewolves – 279.38
For the Golddiggers, 0.00 points from Jared Allen and Bruce Irvin did not help in this loss. On Carolina’s side, even missing a lineup move didn’t deter them in the push to victory. Coach Eva Mendes spoke at the press conference, but all the reporters could do was drool, not take notes. For San Fran, Coach Bill Walsh mentioned in his post game interview “We just didn’t load enough silver bullets. Bringing more Coors the next time we meet.”

Legionnaires – 409.94, Killers – 263.04
For Jersey, the top scorer in RW this week (which we will never hear the end of), they only left 2 players on the bench that scored more than the 22 starters. This was an impressive feat. The Killers had poor performances on both sides of the ball. Only 1 player, Brian Cushing, topped the 20 point mark. While they did leave a bunch of points on the bench, I still think it would not have mattered. Coach Dennis Green, again, stated “The Legionnaires are who we thought they were!” Just what the hell does that mean????? On Jerseys side, Coach William Wallace lifted his kilt a few times, scaring off reporters. Jersey owner, Justin Pullis, will more than likely be very hard to live with this week. He has secured bragging rights after the inaugural RW week 1.

That’s it from here.

Come back next week for the worst, and the breast, in Roster Wars!!!!!!

Article by: Ima H. Omer (AKA Decatur Demons/Bob)